Did You Listen to That Nonsense?

By Mink

The average person will not have difficulty ordering at Starbucks (see http://minksgarbagedump.blogspot.com/2006/03/starbucks-and-realizing-that-i-am.html) and will surely understand that one is not supposed to fill up the gas tank of a Honda Accord with diesel fuel (yeah I never posted about that, but let's just say that it turns out that trying to save money on gas can end up costing $730….and I digest or digress or whatever). However, I have noticed of late that the normal, adequately functional, human being often will say a lot of weird shit that makes no sense, yet will rarely, if ever, be challenged.

Example: Last night at a local ice cream parlour, I overheard a "normal" young lady ask her friend: "How did you finish your ice cream so quickly?" I think the friend may have responded with a shoulder shrug or something similar but she certainly did not appreciate the absurdity of her buddy’s worthless conversation filler.

Obviously the person who finishes her food first is the hungriest or has fast metabolism but there is really no proper response to such a pointless question. What got my sick mind infuriated was this realization that someone (usually a person whom we consider normal) will always ask this or a similar question to the person who finishes his or her food first. It means absolutely nothing yet we refuse to call anyone out on it because it has the appearance of a mainstream normal comment.

Now this makes sense to some degree merely because we generally accept anything that people say if it is presented well and the speaker has established a decent degree of credibility.

To illustrate this point I will first examine a bizarre idea that is presented by a person who is generally accepted by society as abnormal or “special.”


Mink: I think HBO should make an episode of Entourage which brings back the Sex and the City quartet to mingle at a pool party with Vincent Chase and the boys. I for one would love to see a bizarre twist with a very random Carrie Bradshaw and Turtle hookup. The whole collision of worlds would be amazing, it would be almost as good as when they came out with The Jetsons meet the Flintstones in the late 80's.

Disinterested Aquaintance: Oh Mink, you are ridiculous. Great idea, you should write HBO a letter (heavy sarcasm in the voice)

Now let's change the facts a little. Instead of me making this point, the idea comes from a well established doctor at a cocktail party or even just a regular person with a non-ridiculous reputation. In this case, the "normal" person would probably not attempt to spice up the idea with the ridiculous suggestions and would present the idea something like this:

Normal person: HBO should really consider having episodes where characters from its different shows come together. For instance, that new show Entourage could do an episode with the Sex and the City women. Just a thought.

Responder: That is a really insightful and innovative idea. You really should send HBO a letter (not a trace of sarcasm).

You see the difference is reputation and presentation. The idea itself clearly is an absurd one but because the normal guy has a reputation for saying bright things and presented it without outrageous hookup suggestions and Jetson-Flintstone comparisons, his outrageous comment is met with respect and even admiration. Mine however, would undoubtedly be met with a head shrug and maybe accompanied by a dismissive "laughing at you" type giggle.

So I guess the point of this useless drivel, is to my voice my frustration over normal people’s ability to get away with saying crap that doesn’t make any sense. The next time I hear a regular person ask me how I finished my matzah ball soup so fast, I will probably just respond something like this: “I'm not sure but I was wondering about the shape of your last bowel movement. Can you describe it?” But I guess that would just do little more than solidify my already established whacked reputation that I have built over the years. Oh well.

Question The Dump

by singerz

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you are sitting down. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that sitting is more comfortable than standing or lying on the floor. But also, what I am about to inform you may very well suck your socks off, tear your trousers off, blow your briefs off, or, in the most likely event, it may not be a big deal at all.

The Garbage Dump is now answering questions. We will give advice, respond to esoteric inquiries, and counsel lost souls. Got a relationship problem? We can mock it. Having career issues? Sucks for you, dude. Got a question about the bloggers? We’ll answer it, if it allows us a lead-in into writing about the topic that we wanted to write about anyway on that particular day on the blog. Feel free to email us with any questions or comments at emailyourgarbage@gmail.com. And now for the first batch of REAL questions and answers asked by REAL people. Not written by me, tonight. REAL.

Q: Don’t you care that Mink’s name is on the website of the blog even though you’re an equal partner and use punctuation better than he does?
Zev: Na, I don’t mind. Meaning: I joined a day too late and got screwed. Thanks for pouring lemon juice on my wound.

Q: What makes you guys experts on anything?
Zev: Shut up I didn’t ask you for your questions or comments.
Q: Yes you did.
Zev: I said shut up. I don’t like these questions as much as I thought I would.

Q: Do you guys have blog-groupies?
Z: Yes, tons. And by yes, I mean no. But there are always positions open.

Q: In your Bloggers Convention Post why were the two of you in bed together?
Z: See, there was a misunderstanding…
Q: But your hand was around Mink.
Z: Errrrrr…see…
Q: Yes?
Z: Hey - remember the 80’s?

Q: Why do we park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?
Z: I dunno, but that’s some goofy shit.

Q: Since you’re the snack expert, what’s the most delicious snack besides, of course, Twizzler’s Nibs?
Z: Tough one. Cheese curls are scrumptious but that orange crap gets all over your hands. The deliciousness-to-mess ratio is like 6:1. Or no, I mean 1:6. Shit, I hate ratios. In addition, éclairs take the cake. No pun intended. I’m lying, I intended the hell out of the pun. But if you ever saw Van Wilder, you might never eat an éclair again.

Stay tuned for more Q+A, some new blog features in the next few weeks, and Mink getting tricked by a girl who claims she was turned on by watching him eat an egg and cheese on an everything bagel.

The Dump Hosts Another Guest (Yes, We're Getting Lazy): A Businesslike Approach

by Nathan

After recently switching jobs, which is an annual event for me, I realized that there are a number of things we can learn from the business world. I’d like to discuss a few that specifically pertain to relationships.

Finding a Candidate
As is the case when looking for a job there are three major ways to find a date.

Online Search – The absolute worst way to get a date, unless you’re using Craigslist’s Casual Encounters (as Mink unsuccessfully did last week). Just like your resume, the info available online is all made up...unless you actually believe that a single 28 yr old could still be single when they look like the “Jewish Jennifer Aniston”. And what does that mean anyway, should I imagine Jennifer Aniston with a huge nose and as a possible Tay-Sachs carrier?

Shadchan (matchmaker) – Or as I like to call them, Hook-up Headhunters. Using one of these ensures your background will be checked by a myriad of possible suitors with “great personality”.

Connections – Nobody can talk you up like a friend, it’s always the best way to get your foot in any door, or in someone’s pants, as the case may be.

Getting to know your prospect
There should always be an interview process, whether it takes place at a coffee shop, bar or bedroom is your decision. Key questions to ask:

How much experience do you have?
Is there a chance of a counter offer?
Do you want to climb my corporate ladder?
Word association – handcuffs, blindfolds, farm animals, etc...
For same sex candidates or foreigners – Are you just looking for health benefits?

In-relationship Interaction
Weekly status meetings and timelines are important documents that can keep the relationship on track. For example, isn’t it easier to manage expectations by having lines like “8/10 – 2nd Base (over the shirt)” or “8/22 possible score, buy flowers and make appletinis”. This way everyone is on the same page.

There are also some other corporate ways to improve relationships.

Evaluations – Every 6 months or so let your partner know how their doing, try to pinpoint flaws while giving positive feedback on what their doing right. God knows we wouldn’t want anything to stop all together. Try and use motivational techniques for better performance like “I’ll try not to watch TV this time” or “if you’re lucky I’ll brush my teeth this week”.

Two Weeks Notice – Nobody likes to be blindsided with a breakup. Give your partner time to try and replace you with someone else while at the same time not depriving him/her of the essential services you provide. Feel free to help train the replacement.

I’m sure there are plenty of examples involving copiers and staplers that I haven’t mentioned, but I’m sure I’ve convinced you that a businesslike approach will help you succeed in any relationship.

Slurpees with Strangers Part Deux: The Meeting

(if you have not read the first part yet, read that first: http://minksgarbagedump.blogspot.com/2006/08/slurpees-with-strangers.html )

By Mink

On Friday afternoon I shared a slurpee with the mystery girl, named Gina. As she said in the email (last posting), she was not a “heifer.” However, she did resemble a bowling ball and wore a white sleeveless tank with a big ketchup and grease stain right above her exposed belly button.

We sat down in the shade to eat our icy treats and raved about the friendly 7-11 workers and their amazing coffee. We then discussed our futures and dreams of owning 7-11 franchises. One thing led to another, and by the end of our little meeting we were feeding each other Slurpees and whipping the slurpee drool from our respective facial hair on our chins. When our time was up, I gave her a gentlemen’s peck on the cheek and promised to attend all of her intramural rugby games.

Does this sound hot? Well unfortunately this was just my fantasy and the real story is far less exciting.

Gina, does not really resemble a bowling ball.
Nor does Gina even drink Slurpees.
Nor is Gina, a member of the Jewish faith (sorry mom).
Nor does Gina even exist for that matter.....And I was just a big dumb animal who got punked by a couple girls from the office.

The mastermind (who works with me but not at the same physical office) created the posting and then used a straight shooting accomplice who works next to me and frequently reads the Craigslist: “Missed Connections” to carry out her dirty work. This was all done to avenge a prank call I placed on her over 2 months ago (pretending to be her wacky summer roommate, who seemed to have a major crush on her). And the 2 month delay perfectly created the necessary element of surprise to carry out the attack.

I probably have not been this duped since Freshman year of college when I poured meat sauce in another dude’s pillow case after being deliberately misinformed that he messed with my stuff. But I have to give credit where credit is due and these clowns nailed me.

I must say though that I HATE losing to girls in athletic competition (including the sport of pranking) which is why this was more embarrassing than losing to every girl on my high school cross country team at every meet. This, however, was not as embarrassing as my big purchase of baby wipes at the grocery store tonight. (The wipes will change your life and I highly recommend them to all but would advise avoiding eye contact with the checkout lady as she rings up the product).

So for now this ends the slurpee story, but stay tuned for the “Slurpee Revenge” and any ideas are appreciated.

Slurpees with Strangers

By Mink

To some, 100 degree weather is equated with sweatiness in uncomfortable bodily parts, scantily clad women, or even death. For me, this kind of heat only means that I become obsessed with embarking on daily missions to find heat quenching icy treats (ok some of the scantily clad women are nice too). Whether its ice cream, sno-balls (or cones as they apparently say outside of Maryland), slurpees, or even just cold fountain sodas, I will not be denied.

So obviously 7-11 has a lot to offer me in the summer. As bad as I may be at ordering at Starbucks, I am a pro when I make purchases at these icy treat havens. I even have good slurpee filling fundamentals as I maximize every square inch of my cup without overflowing by implementing the “lid-first technique."

Anyway despite the icy treat obsession I still generally get coffee in the morning and I would have this past Tuesday morning until me and this friendly lady began conversing near the coffee stand at a downtown Baltimore 7-11. Like 90 percent of conversations we have with strangers, the short exchange was entirely related to the weather pattern. (A couple of snippets included: "Hot enough for you?" and "Cold front tommorow, its only supposed to hit 97.") By the end though she had talked me out of the scorching coffee and right into a 9am icy treat: a 40 oz Dr. Pepper Big Gulp.

For some reason I left the store sipping away at my cold beverage with a very satisfied smirk on my face. But little did I know that there was someone watching. No, I am not turning this into a religious posting about a higher being looking down, I am merely referring to a certain 5’5 green eyed girl who has used the world wide web to successfully get in touch with my distrurbing self.

Allow me to elaborate:

At about 2 pm the day after my innocent 7-11 run, my co-worker who apparently was perusing Craigslist's "missed connections" listings asks “Jon, weren’t you at 7-11 yesterday?” She then sent me this link http://baltimore.craigslist.org/mis/189212553.html which reads:

Tall guy w/ Big Gulp at 7-11 on Tuesday morning - w4m - 24

Saw you coming out of the 7-11 downtown (corner of Howard and Baltimore) Tuesday morning. You were wearing a navy short-sleeved polo with a horizontal orange stripe and khakis. I’ve seen you around the area before (near/in the law school); maybe you’re a grad student like me. I’m 5’5 with dirty-blond hair and green eyes. Would love to get to know you better!

Now I normally don’t remember what I was wearing from day to day, but I had remembered stepping on that horizontal orange striped shirt in the morning as I got out of bed (which meant I must have worn it the previous day). And based on the above story involving the lady by the coffee stand, I certainly remembered purchasing a Big Gulp (I also hadn’t thrown out the remaining bottom third of the soda, and it is staring me in the face at my desk as I read this absurdity).

So to make a long story end faster, that tall guy was none other than myself and even though I have no idea what the math equation of w4m – 24 means, I have agreed to meet this ballsy chic for slurpees during lunch break tommorow (Friday).

I am obviously assuming the meeting (and I emphasize that word since it is not a date) will be an absolute disaster. But it will be just a quick snack break and at worse will just be sharing an icy treat with a crazy person. The bottom line is weird crap like this doesn’t happen every day so I figured the story deserved some more follow up and I guess the girl also deserved her 15 minutes with Mink (hahahha what a prize that is).

FYI: Here is the transcript of emails from my made up account that led us to the slurpees (I created a baltimorebiggulp@hotmail.com address to protect my identity).

My Response:

Hello,
I came across your posting after a co-worker stumbled upon it on her daily craigslist perusing. I am pretty sure you were speaking of me. Are you an UMAB student? Do you like slurpees?

I gotta be honest, this situation is a little new/bizarre to me but I would be open to the following: Friday afternoon we meet up "again" at our favorite local hub and pick up a couple slurpees, which we will consume at the law school courtyard. If this is agreeable to you drop me an email.

Her response (also from a made up hotmail account):

Hey Big Gulp!
Clever email. Do you like mine? Hee hee! I'm totally psyched that you wrote back! I love slurpees by the way. I have like 5 a week! :) But don't worry, I'm not a heffer or anything! LOL! Anyway, yeah, let's get together on Friday! Can't wait to meet you!

I'm outtie for now!!!

Anyway, at least she isn’t a “heffer.” I will let you know how the slurpee gathering goes, unless she slits my throat.

COME ON MINK

by singerz

Mink- get your shit together. This is ridiculous already, put up a damn post. No excuses. I hate to air our dirty laundry in public but, to kill the metaphor, your dirty undies need to be shown to one and all until you post. Get on it, bitch. Love, Zev.