Facebook is....Kind of a Big Deal

By Mink

I think we can all agree that the Facebook craze has reached a level of popularity that has not been enjoyed by any social trend aside from the slap bracelet fad of the early 90's.

One day, social scientists will ponder the meaning behind our appeal to this massive time waster (ok I lied it is likely that nary a social scientist will pose this question, but I wanted to sound scholarly---which is the same reason I just used the word nary). Many of these scientists, assuming they are not burned by the sun, will likely link the cause to global warming. But, I for one, think the simple answer is that Facebook fulfills the missing void in our lives --the void of our longing to achieve celebrity status.

Facebook is our 15 minutes of fame (well actually 15 minutes, 4 times an hour if you are bored at work). It serves as the paparazzi for our dorky social circles. I, as a sports fan liken it to my own personal Sportscenter. Did I miss the Elaine's party? Oh that's cool I'll just get the highlights… I wonder if Bill and Janice did anything cool on their trip to bermuda? Nope just the usual PDA shots by the ocean... Is the girl I am supposed to be set up with a ten? Nah more like a 4.5 and that’s even with the self-selected glamour shots…Is Tonya still dating that D-bag? Yup, her status still reads “in a relationship”---damn it.

The point is, this little monster that is Facebook enables us to quickly check in on the seemingly exciting lives that our friends and acquaintances live. And I emphasize the word seemingly because it also gives the facebook poster the chance to make his or her very ordinary life seem quite glamorous.

For example, my bro and I were raking leaves at the Mink family home over Thanksgiving weekend and as mature 20-something- year- olds do, we decided to take off our shirts in 40 degree weather to get a little rise out of our poor momma. To our surprise, she was entertained and started snapping pics, which I obviously then posted on facebook. Now as you have read, this story is not so exciting. But our lives could appear rather enchanting (in a mentally challenged kind of way) to the bored acquaintance at work. He may wonder, maybe these nuts were getting wasted in front of their rents? Maybe they are submitting these as modeling pics to some new pasty-white-Jewish-American-magazine? When in actuality we are just morons, nothing beyond that….See what I mean? Ordinary becomes glamorous or at least intriguing. Access Hollywood is now at our disposal.

With this absurd analysis behind us. I would like to now gripe about a few types facebook abusers who need to be reprimanded:

The Facebook Paparazzi Girls: Usually these are girls in their early 20’s who absolutely need to be denied digital camera permits. They enter into any party or social situation armed and dangerous with their flashbulbs and moments after will “tag” (as the kids say) you in the most incriminating of photos. I mean before 2005, I could go out without the fear that if I decided to lick another human being on the ear that it would be posted for the entire world to see. Sadly, this is no longer the case today.

The Constant Group Requesters: I also am deeply saddened when I hear that a little boy has cancer but then you bastards have to make me feel guilty for not wanting to flood my profile with another group. I just declined to join a group for people that hate Hitler. I mean I dislike Hitler as much as the next guy, but my facebook group memberships are pretty much reserved for things that make me laugh. (though, I did consider joining solely because his little stache certainly does elicit a chuckle from me every now and then).

The Elder Members: There has recently been a wave of new facebook members who were alive before color television and when the Baltimore Orioles were considered a good franchise. Granted, I think it’s cute that you want to connect to your kids and even grandkids, but isn’t it possible that this could make things get a little weird? My roommate had a great call on this one. He told his dad that joining would be comparable to sitting on the couch between our friends while we were all just chilling in high school. I would take it a step further and say he would also just be wearing his tightie whities. You get the point: UNCOMFORTABLE.

Status Messageitis: Saying you are no longer listed in a relationship or that you are insanely hung over is newsworthy but my beef is with the people who think that we care to read that “Joe Green is feeling down” or that “Amanda Jones is thankful it’s nearly Friday!” Seriously, were you lacking attention as a kid? I was, but at least my response to that is to post awkward shirtless pics instead of telling you that I wish it was warmer outside.

The Groping Couple Profile Picture: We get it you have a significant other. It is now hot and heavy and you like to touch a lot in public. But can you instead create a nauseating personal blog telling tales of your picnics and post these awful pictures there? Trust me, anyone who cares will read it and this way you don’t have to force your love and sexy-time into our precious intimate moments wasted at work.

Personal Wall Messages: If you have a personal message or questions for me I think the wall is pretty much the worst forum for that. I.e. “Hey Jon, how is life treatin ya?” If you really care to know, give me a call or send me an email. Otherwise don’t be surprised to get a response from me to the likes of “I’m good. Hope all is well.” P.S. the “hope all is well” response was actually created by disinterested girls and can be translated to mean “I am now politely going to end our communication by not writing anything to which a response is required…have a nice life.”

Ok that is all for now. Hope all is well.