Thursday, June 08, 2006

Mustaches and My Quarter Life Crisis

By Mink

I recently have been spending more time with middle aged men. Is that a weird thing to say? Well it is true. As I've mentioned, I travel quite a bit for work and many of the participants on these conferences are male emergency planners in their 40's and 50's. I also play in 2 softball leagues which are flooded with the senior circuit. In fact my team got shut out last week by a dude who was playing softball during the Korean war. And finally I have been spending more time just chilling at the barber shop in the Jewish part of town. (It's really a pretty similar barbershop experience to the one in the Baltimore inner city that I wrote about a few months ago. The only mild difference is that you have to replace conversations about boxing matches with kvetching about back spasms and replace Allen Iverson styled hair requests with "please make sure to part it like David Goldberg the accountant and leave some sideburns.")

Anyway all this male bonding has been life altering. I am now a regular groaner during both take offs and landings from my chair, I wear a V-neck (not tighties), and make the same unfunny puns as my father. But the most significant change in my life is that I am pretty sure that at 26 years old I have mustache envy. The stache is something that has always fascinated me but it is also something that I have mocked for years. I have never known my Dad without his under-nose fur and growing up it often provided an easy retort to his rebukes. Example:

Dad: Jon your room is disgusting, clean it
Me: You have a growth under your nose, shave it

But as time went on and I watched Tom Selleck achieve fame and sex appeal solely on the basis of his thick whiskers, I began to become more intrigued. There were, however, some things that troubled me about the whole phenomenon. First of all what prompted someone to begin the stache movement? I mean common sense says that you are either going to shave or not shave but the mustache is something that involves careful grooming, triming, and even brushing. I also found it to be extremely troubling that Hitler, the regimented German genocide artist, seemingly forgot to shave a little patch everyday. But most troubling of all is the question of why has the mustache become the lost art of our generation?

I mean you see twenty-somethings grow them once in a while but usually they are on the faces of murderers from Alaska, and are certainly not considered cool. Kip in Napolean Dynamite has a solid one (see picture above) but he doesn't exactly convey sex appeal unless middle- america- white- trash gets you going. Adam Morrison, the best college basketball player this past year, also sports one but his looks like one a 13 year old unintentionally would grow before he can shave. Bottom line is for whatever reason we don't choose to grow them and if we do they look abysmal.

With that in mind, I decided I wanted to try it out. But unfortunately my dad didn't pass along the good stache gene and mine looked even worse than Morrison's. The whiskers are light colored, very thin and each one grows in a different direction. Basically I look like some of the older Russian ladies that I have run into at the JCC who decided probably 20 years ago to stop grooming their faces. (no offense intended to Russian people.... my great grandparents were all Russian and I love the babooshkas).

Anyway I had to shave that upper lip debacle off but don't think that it made me happy. I am now fully entering a quarter life crisis where I am bitter about the onset of greying hair, receding hair lines and an inability to compensate for such things because I am incapable of growing even a semi-presentable looking mustache.


Blogger AlanLaz said...

I hold mustaches are assur because Hitler had one.

8:38 AM  
Anonymous manly man said...

Try a bikini wax, it might be more fitting. And thanks for clearing up who that Hitler guy is, that must be who murdered half my family, thanks!

8:40 AM  
Anonymous X said...

I think moustaches might be a requirement to be an emergency planner (if you are male), or to be a first responser (if you are male, over 30). Better get on that if you are going to become avolunteer firefighter!

And really, can all of your posts be about the hair on different parts of your body? B/c let me tell you, its one of my favorite topics, "f*cking nice," you might say.

Oh, and as far as your Dad having a moustache your whole life-- just wait until he shaves it off. You'll feel a sense of loss like nothing you have ever known. Believe me, I've been there.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moustaches are coming back

9:30 AM  
Anonymous "mustaches are coming back" said...

so are tumors

10:23 AM  
Blogger The Fades said...

david goldberg the accountant...classic.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Subiel Yehoshua said...

you failed to include middle infielders who commonly sport the stache. The baseball cards of these nonames made a vailent effort at publicly bringing back the extended nose hairs in the early 90s. see jeff reboulet Also ive never laughed harder than when a certain middle aged man went away with the mus then brought it make years later. this is huge nono in the world in the stache, and should be the 1st rule in the rulebook of the stache

5:00 PM  
Anonymous UM Law Grad said...

My Dad had a 'stache most of the time he was married to my mom, then one night he went into the bathroom and unexpectantly shaved it off. He came out of the bathroom, and my mother called the cops. She had no fucking idea who that strange man was....

7:31 AM  
Anonymous irritated upper lip said...

I can see the draw of the stache. my upper lip is very sensitive, and shaving it can often be quite irritating to my skin. Anyone else feel this way?

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your a loser with a bad mustache

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Hater said...

wow, u must really hate your father. Let it go man...

2:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My father died from mustache liprocosis. Mink's urinating on his casket.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Generous donor said...

well in that case id like to pledge 10 times chai to "the cure for mustache liprocosis foundation" May your father be of blessed memory. May minchove's urin be a testimony to his greatness. His mustache should have an aliyah.

1:37 PM  
Blogger mskp said...

hey - i just clicked 'next blog' along from mine and i'm tres impressed, read: i'm properly laughing in the middle of the god damn night. love it. some of the comments are a bit wacked though. is that why you haven't posted in a little while?

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Ashley simpson lookalike hatah! said...

Ur a bit wacked. And we like your sister (Jessica) better.

9:08 AM  
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6:07 PM  
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4:37 PM  
Blogger Jacob Da Jew said...

Hey! Kip got sex appeal, didn't he hook up with that black chick, Lawanda?

8:46 PM  

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