Friday, March 30, 2007

The Urban Garbage Dictionary

By Mink

I was having a brief conversation with my friend Joe the other night when it struck me that at no point in the conversation did we converse in normal English. The exchange consisted entirely of grunts and some sort of nonsensical code. Here is a little snippet (and no I don’t mean a circumcision you sicko):


Joe: Sana!
Me: Daaaaaaaaaaaa.
Joe: Hey man
Me: What up?
Joe: Nuthin whatchya you doin tonight?
Me: I dunno Grimple....It is really a what to do.
Joe: You are gross. Choices?
Me: Eh, maybe downtown maybe to Brenda.... Wanna meetcha?
Joe: Maybe I'll meetcha..... I'm tired though, not getting enough sleeptcha.

Now clearly there was little uttered in this Verizon to Verizon call that should make even remote sense to a reasonably sane observer. (It is also worth noting that I divide my friends and family into two categories: The Gold Members [a.k.a. the Verizon users] and the Assclowns [a.k.a. the other cell company users who eat up my peak minutes]. If it is the end of the billing cycle everyone but the Verizon Gold members are dead to me until the cycle starts over. This sadly includes my own Sprint using parents.)

Anyway, what you read above amazingly was an exchange between two pretty highly educated adult men. Sadly, such a conversation is par for the course for us. So I feel like it is necessary to devote some of a post to translating some of this bizarre code in which I converse with my less sane friends. So with out further ado, the Urban Garbage Dictionary:


“Sana” Pronunciation "sä-n&, (sounds like Donna)• noun

A nickname that derived from the heroic Solomon Milgrome. Born in 1903, Milgrome survived the Kossacks and several bullet wounds as a grocer in inner city Baltimore. At 104 years young, the man is unknowingly a cult figure for some twisted 20-somethings in Baltimore. The very first time I saw him he was a young 92, and he immediately approached my friend Joshy, and grabbed his long hair as he uttered an incomprehensible word we thought to be “Shithead.” One thing led to another and before I knew it I was writing school newspaper articles and college admission essays about him changing my life.

With the Sol Milgrome worship came a plethora of nicknames for anyone connected to us. The nicknames took many forms and featured numerous adaptations. Sana, for some reason is the one that is most popular today. Although it sounds nothing like his name, the root of sana comes from sanoma which comes from Milliams-Sanoma which comes from the cookbook Williams-Sonoma. The William was changed to Milliam after we decided, somewhere in the 1990’s, that Milliam was the official nickname for Mr. Milgrome. As such, everything that even rhymed with Milliam, such as the name Williams, was given this absurd Milliam name. Years later we dropped the Milliam, but for whatever reason Sana name still lives.
(other Sana variations include: Sanoma, Sans, Sanopa, and Sansy)

“Daaaaa” Pronunciation: just imagine some kind of dying animal • no grammatical description

Is a grunting sound that has become a common phone greeting especially when speaking to Zev. The grunt originated as an imitation of Zev’s sound effect just before he verbally dismisses something. The grunt is generally coupled with hand gesturing with rapid hand movements.

“Grimple” • Pronunciation: 'grim-p&l (like simple) • noun

Another variation of a Milgrome nickname that is far less attenuated than Sana. Originally the variations of the Grome part of his name included: Grums, Grooma, Grumple, Grumpelstiltskin. As counselors on a summer west coast trip, my friend Yoni and I had a bus full of spoiled Jewish 16 year olds calling each other these Grome type nicknames. And if you don’t believe me the trip sweatshirt designed by the brats themselves, prominently displays the phrase “AberGRUMbie and Fitch Company” on the front of the shirt.

“What to do?” • Pronunciation: figure it out yourself• can be used as a noun

This phrase originated in my heavy Madden playing days of 2005. Any time a remotely difficult strategic decision would arise in the video game, the player would usually slam down his controller as he rhetorically asked “what to do? what to do?” Now the “what to do’s” are thrown around in social situations like figuring out plans or deciding whether to eat a burger at 2 AM.

"Brenda" • Pronunciation: 'bren-da • noun

An extremely pleasant eye candy who bartends at the local tavern. Some sick individuals plan their visits around her shifts. Unfortunately the pickup line “I got my drinks, but didn’t get your number” has yet to pay dividends (besides for shelling out an unnecessarily large tip).

"Meetcha" • Pronunciation: 'mEt • verb

Our buddy “Big Baby” inadvertently started the widespread use of this word in late 2005. At the time he was doing pretty much nothing with his life. He would call you up and once you told him where you were--without any regard to the time of day or the proximity-- the Big Baby would have same two word response: “I’ll meetcha.” You could be in Tennessee at 4 am on Wednesday and he was always eager to meetcha. Obviously, the meetcha response took a life of its own and any word with even a few of the syllables of the word meet was changed to a form of meetcha (i.e. I’m hungry lets go grab some peetcha.”)

"Sleeptcha" • Pronunciation: 'slEp-ch(E-)• noun The act of sleeping when spoken in Meetcha language. See Meetcha above.

Example Sentence: It is ridiculous that I am up late and losing sleeptcha writing this blog entry.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Some Little Tricks and Trinkets and Whatnot

by singerz

We miss you audience, we miss you. While it may be true that we have been pretty lax (not the airport) about writing frequently, the blog is still a living and breathing entity. Actually, the other night I heard some living and breathing entity in my room and got scared, but then I remembered Mink was sleeping over on the dirty mattress on my floor.

Big news. I got a Masters in Disaster. I now add that to my array of academic achievements, including Professor of Love, Doctor Pepper, and my Master Blaster. Mink shutup, your jokes aren’t funny either. At least I don’t steal my jokes from other people. And when I do, it is from people that you’ve never heard of.

In other news, I really like Coke-Cherry-Zero. Like REALLY like. Like more than a friend.

Here are some things that have happened recently or popped into my head that I find funny. And if I say they’re funny, then they MUST be. (Some actually happened, some I made up, some I stole, you’ll never know which is which, na-nee na-nee na na, sticks and bones will break my hurt but stones will never name me- or some shit like that)

Public Relations: I was working at the Israeli Embassy. One of the bosses said to an Israeli guy and girl who were working together on an event, "You two are in charge of public relations." Fast forward a few hours later. I get a news email in my inbox at work with the subject “Two Israelis Arrested For Public Fornication." (Note: Fornication is a ridiculous word. Also, isn’t it funny when people who don't speak English well fornicate in public?)

Look Where, Mom? I was home at my parents’ house for a weekend. I was watching TV with my mom, checking my email on a laptop. There was a commercial for some clothing store with a girl wearing a skirt my mom liked. I hear, "Zev, do me a favor, can you look up her skirt?" Excuse me? That's not how I was raised.

Fat can be Funny:
A friend of mine who works for some weird lab was doing a study on fat people. He was complaining that their test group had too few people in it. He said to me: "Our new obesity study is really looking for a larger test group." What, his other people weren’t fat enough to study?

The Solar System is Weird:
My roommate was watching Jeopardy© and I was in our kitchen making dinner (did you like the copyright symbol I put next to Jeopardy? I'm fancy like that). Little did I know, there was a category about the solar system. Either way, wouldn’t you feel uncomfortable if your roommate asked you the following question: "Yo, is there a ring of debris around Uranus?"

Over and out.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Oven Roasted Undies and The Vacation From Myself

By Mink

Well it has been a while since we last spoke but I think we all needed a break. What is annoying is that while you can get a rest from me any time you choose, I can never get away from myself. The bad jokes, word associations and endless sports trivia follow me around every waking moment 365 days a year. You know, sometimes I just want a vacation from myself...

So last week I tried to take one. I wasn't exactly sure where I was heading, but I was excited-- this was going to be marvelous. I got in the Camry and started up 95 towards the big apple. I made it all the way up to the Delaware Memorial Bridge before I looked in the rearview mirror and realized I was being followed. I tried switching lanes, pulling over, and even taking some weird Jersey back roads before getting insanely lost and almost missing the Jersey Bar Exam (but that's neither here nor there). The point is no matter where I went I couldn't shake my pale ass.

With the vacation from myself not in the cards, I settled for the next best thing--laundry. Now I hate laundry as much as the next guy, but there are few things I enjoy more than putting on a warm pair of boxers straight out of the dryer. The boys just love the cookies straight out of the oven-- so wonderfly soft, warm, and tingly.

Now glowing from the oven roasted undies, I reached my relaxation apex as I watched some college basketball followed by some Devil Wears Prada (Anne Hathaway is just glorious). Anyway, it turns out I actually was able to get a mini vacation from myself.

But it didn't last long. I laid in bed for hours trying to think of some perfect first names for Zev's future children. I finally was able to fall asleep at 4 am after coming up with: Jazz, Wedding, Lounge, and Solo. My vacation from myself may be over but I guess that's not so bad when it can conceive a dude named Jazz Singer. And by "conceive" I just mean the idea...not that there is anything wrong with that. Ok I lied. There is something very wrong about that one.