Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Starbucks and realizing that I am Special

By Mink

It’s been a while since we last spoke but in that time I've been doing some thinking. By the way, has that statement ever been followed by something positive? It’s usually something like “I’ve been doing some thinking……we should just be friends.” No one ever says “I’ve been doing some thinking… really are great” Anyway after doing some thinking…. I realized that I am special. That statement also is never used in a positive way but instead has become the gentler way of describing someone who is a mentally challenged or disturbed individual. And that is exactly what I mean here when describing myself.

So as I was saying, I had one of those “I am special” revelations and this one occurred at the starbucks near my office. A couple of the ladies at the office invited me to join them on their daily stroll over there and me being a Dunkin Donuts man, was a little intimidated. But I decided to join them realizing full well that if I ordered anything besides a cup of water, the trip could turn into a full blown disaster. You see at Dunkin its as simple as “coffee cream and sugar please.” (Unless I make any insensitive remarks about Sikhs or take money from the tip jar---which I always mistake for the give a penny take a penny jar.)

At Starbucks however, even ordering just a normal coffee requires slang-words such as “grande” or “tall.” I never remember which is which and inevitably piss off the counter-girl by asking how many ounces each one is. I also don’t particularly enjoy their regular coffee which I find very bitter but remembered that once or twice in the past I have enjoyed their specialty drinks with the fancy names (Caramel Machiata very well could be the name of my future child). But being the cheapskate that I am, my eye was drawn to the espresso, which was significantly cheaper than those fancier blends. So after the girls ordered their impressive sounding drinks I proudly proclaimed with a big smile “I’ll take an espresso.”

I then stepped to the side and waited proudly for my special drink. But when it was ready I was majorly disappointed. You see I learned about the espresso the hard way. The espresso apparently isn’t one of those nice fancy drinks but instead is a small shot of bitter tasting extra strong coffee or something like that. The nice counter girl could see from my disgusted face that I had not ordered what I wanted (and that I must be special). She said “I can turn it into a latte.” So I thanked the magician starbucks girl and waited for her to transform it into a vanilla tasting delight. About a minute later she called out “latte!” and I tried to take the drink from her magical hands.

But it turns out that my drink wasn’t ready yet and I was in fact trying to steal the latte of another customer who happened to be a police officer. For some reason I continued to firmly grasp the hot cup of fancy coffee as the counter girl tried to transfer it to the short haired husky cop. I finally started to recognize that maybe it was not mine but inexplicably shook the cup as I attempted to dismount.

As I did this coffee began to ooze out of the small hole on the top and all over the counter. As the disgusted officer began to gather napkins to clean up the debacle, I tried to save face by sincerely stating “Sorry bout that sir.” I was puzzled when the cop rolled her eyes. I realized I was a fool but I did make the effort to apologize and she totally shot me down. I was pissed until my co-worker elbowed me and said “Jon, that police officer is a woman.”

So to summarize I messed up my coffee order, attempted to jack a policeman/woman’s coffee, shook it up and spilled it all over the counter, and capped it off with an apology that featured me calling a woman “Sir.”

It doesn’t take much thinking to realize only a special person has episodes like that.


Blogger Randall said...

Nice story.

So to summarize I messed up my coffee order, attempted to jack a policeman/woman’s coffee, shook it up and spilled it all over the counter, and capped it off with an apology that featured me calling a woman “Sir.”


12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this story is 100% accurate, i was a witness :)

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you can add not knowing how to write for shit to your special status

4:31 PM  
Blogger The Mink said...

I'll make sure to do that.....Do you teach a special ed course on humor writing? Maybe we can meet sometime at starbucks to discuss but I will let you do the ordering...thanks for reading.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous try and guess said...

by request.....

being a dunkin donuts girl myself i also always seem to mess up in starbucks. since the starbucks that i go to if im forced (because of the inevitable "you want to study together? sure, why dont we meet at starbucks after class") is near school and right by the financial district some mean new yorker wall street type always gets mad and starts muttering under his breath about unsophisticated, stupid people getting in his way and making him late for work. then i run for the exit as fast as i can and head back to the unsophisticated world where a medium is actually a medium, and there are no words on the menu i can't pronounce. life is much better that way...

10:40 AM  
Anonymous George Carlin said...

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just ask for what i want, ie "i'll take a medium coffee with skim milk." we then have a series of back-and-forth questions:
starbucks: you mean grande?
me: yea sure
starbucks: is that a latte?
me: yea
starbucks: thats one grande skim milk latte, that'll be...uh... one million dollars and 8 cents.
me: oh ok sure no problem.
put it this way, if the behind-the-counter-starbucks-apron doesn't know what a "medium" is, there's definitely an issue here. seriously, we live in america, we all speak american. everyone knows what medium means. its the size between the small one and the big one.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Steiny17 said...

Happy Bday Mink

1:58 PM  
Blogger The Critics said...

Hehe I like. Mink, you get the STUPID-ASS-MO-FO award. Good job. Tell Greenberger all about it. I'm sure he'll appreciate it, and let you drive his midget prius.

Happy Birthday, what are you now, 30?

10:18 AM  
Blogger Chaya said...

Very cute, I laughed out loud at this one. Glad to know I'm not that only one who has messed up my starbucks order....

11:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work film editing schools

4:22 AM  

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