My Return From Sabbatical

by singerz

I was on blog-sabbatical. What does that mean you ask? How can I take a sabbatical if I am not a rabbi? First of all, it’s debatable whether or not I am a rabbi. At least that girl I dated from Brooklyn, Chana-Sheindel-Lea-Rachel-Bracha-Sheindel (yes, two Sheindels) thinks I am a learned man of the Book. Capital ‘B’ in ‘Book’, thank you very much.

Speaking of Sheindel-squared, I miss her. Those long nights of awkward conversations about how many children we wanted to have (she wanted 16, I only wanted 12), those sensual moments when we would both reach for the prayer book and my finger would graze her gloved hand (yes, she always wore gloves, even inside the house- such a modest girl). I yearn for her (but don’t worry, my beloved readers, I never yearn in public, that’s disgusting).

NOTE: the above paragraph may or may not be simply one of the craziest things I have ever written. Thoughts?

What the hell was I writing about? Ah yes, sabbatical. Truthfully, I didn’t just have to write the “What the hell was I writing about” sentence, I could have looked up above and seen what I was writing about and then just continued. As a matter of fact, this entire paragraph is gratuitous bullshit. My bad. Life goes on.

Lately, I have been on leave from the Dump. And yet, Mink bothers me to write as often as I accidentally drop my phone in the toilet and then bring it in to Sprint telling them I don’t know what is wrong with it, and then they open it up, see the water damage sticker thingy, foil my clever plans, and I freaking never learn. The point is, leave me alone Mink, my phone has pee all over it and I have to buy a new one.

My sabbatical from the blog reminds me of the period of time after college and before my first job when I had 3 months with nothing to do. I was basically retired. Actually, not basically, but literally retired. The most exciting part of my day was when the mail arrived- I was like a dog waiting for the mailman at the front window. Including the barking. And the drooling, of course. I regularly ate early-bird specials at local restaurants and I got angry at those damn teenagers for driving too fast. I frequented the public library and talked back to the newspaper when I didn’t like what it said. That was the life. my friends, that was the life.

A Female Guest Visits The Dump (There is a First For Everything)

"Making Productive Use of the Technology Around Us"

By Xani

So Mink asked me to write a guest blog entry. At first I was flattered—he clearly admires my fine writing style and sharp wit. Then he asked me to have it to him by tomorrow. I now realize he’s just too busy doing other crap to write it himself, and he knows my boss is out of the country and I am probably just sitting at my desk reading Craigslist all day. (True. Mostly. See below.)

Now I am faced with a challenge: write an entertaining (?) blog entry to a bunch of people I don’t know, about a topic of my own choosing. I figure the best way to start this is where Mink left off, and I’ll go free-association from there…

Talking on the phone in the bathroom

The post on this topic caused quite a stir. Several people were mildly offended by the fact that they may have had conversations with the Mink where he was at least partially undressed. Not to mention the whole excrement issue. I know I made a mental note to never borrow, or even touch, the Mink's phone again. But I also immediately thought of a solution to the echo/splashing/flushing sounds issue:

Texting

It’s like a miracle cure. Sure, for the guys it might mean a little practice texting one-handed, but hey, it’s not that difficult (I often do it while driving). I admit to being a chronic texter. Although at the moment this is more something put upon me than an actual choice; my phone is slowly dying, and its latest symptom is that I can only make or receive calls in speakerphone mode (so clearly bathroom calls are out of the question). But even when I have the option of talking on the phone, I often opt to text. It’s the wave of the future—no more inane conversations over where and when to meet. Short and to-the-point:

Me: Where should we meet to watch the Terps lose tonite?
Friend: Thirsty Dog?
Me: They don't even have tv's there. Idiot
Friend: F U

See? So much easier than actually TALKING to another human being. And texting can be used for so much more than just making plans! It’s also good for: telling people you are going to be late to work (I send and/or receive about one of these per day); making pointed comments about what’s on TV (“are u watching top chef? marcel is such a tool”); phone sex (no comment); marriage proposals, etc, etc. The possibilities are endless. And speaking of endless possibilities, let’s discuss….

The Internet

What in the hell did we do before this came along? Probably a lot more work. I don’t have any actual figures on this, but I have to estimate that 98% of office employees’ time in this country is spent screwing around on the internet (other 2% spent getting coffee and making personal phone calls). I bet you are at work right now. And on the Internet. Screwing around. See what I mean?? One of my personal favorite internet time-wasters is…

Craigslist.org

Some of you might be familiar with this website, maybe you used it to buy some concert tickets, get rid of your old couch, find a roommate, or play a practical joke on your buddy (See http://minksgarbagedump.blogspot.com/2006/08/slurpees-with-strangers.html), etc. But you casual CL readers may not know about the seedy (and endlessly entertaining) underbelly of Craigslist. There is also a “personals” section on each city’s board that can provide bored office drones with hours of amusement. Want to read desperate attempts by painfully shy coffee drinkers to ask out that barista they’ve been pining after?

Head on over to Missed Connections. Casual Encounters is the place to see what kinds of crazy, high-risk sex is available in your city, tonight! Rants and Raves is another piece of work: huge amounts of bandwidth devoted to idiots spewing the kind of hate and stupidity they would never have the guts to say without the benefit of anonymity. Politics, race, dating, traffic, sports… any and every topic is discussed here, from the ridiculous to the downright disturbing (usually with a disproportionately large amount of grammatical errors).

Every once in a while you find something genuinely funny, touching, or interesting (start with Best Of if you are impatient). But what’s truly special about CL is the volume of crap there is to read. With tons of boards and dozens of cities there’s no waiting around for days for more crap to appear (like on this blog). I think CL refreshes every 5 minutes. You may never do work again. You’re welcome!