Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Dump Hosts Another Guest (Yes, We're Getting Lazy): A Businesslike Approach

by Nathan

After recently switching jobs, which is an annual event for me, I realized that there are a number of things we can learn from the business world. I’d like to discuss a few that specifically pertain to relationships.

Finding a Candidate
As is the case when looking for a job there are three major ways to find a date.

Online Search – The absolute worst way to get a date, unless you’re using Craigslist’s Casual Encounters (as Mink unsuccessfully did last week). Just like your resume, the info available online is all made up...unless you actually believe that a single 28 yr old could still be single when they look like the “Jewish Jennifer Aniston”. And what does that mean anyway, should I imagine Jennifer Aniston with a huge nose and as a possible Tay-Sachs carrier?

Shadchan (matchmaker) – Or as I like to call them, Hook-up Headhunters. Using one of these ensures your background will be checked by a myriad of possible suitors with “great personality”.

Connections – Nobody can talk you up like a friend, it’s always the best way to get your foot in any door, or in someone’s pants, as the case may be.

Getting to know your prospect
There should always be an interview process, whether it takes place at a coffee shop, bar or bedroom is your decision. Key questions to ask:

How much experience do you have?
Is there a chance of a counter offer?
Do you want to climb my corporate ladder?
Word association – handcuffs, blindfolds, farm animals, etc...
For same sex candidates or foreigners – Are you just looking for health benefits?

In-relationship Interaction
Weekly status meetings and timelines are important documents that can keep the relationship on track. For example, isn’t it easier to manage expectations by having lines like “8/10 – 2nd Base (over the shirt)” or “8/22 possible score, buy flowers and make appletinis”. This way everyone is on the same page.

There are also some other corporate ways to improve relationships.

Evaluations – Every 6 months or so let your partner know how their doing, try to pinpoint flaws while giving positive feedback on what their doing right. God knows we wouldn’t want anything to stop all together. Try and use motivational techniques for better performance like “I’ll try not to watch TV this time” or “if you’re lucky I’ll brush my teeth this week”.

Two Weeks Notice – Nobody likes to be blindsided with a breakup. Give your partner time to try and replace you with someone else while at the same time not depriving him/her of the essential services you provide. Feel free to help train the replacement.

I’m sure there are plenty of examples involving copiers and staplers that I haven’t mentioned, but I’m sure I’ve convinced you that a businesslike approach will help you succeed in any relationship.


Anonymous Herr... said...

Are you on drugs?

3:19 PM  
Anonymous swirly jeff said...

did you copy and paste this post off an email forward from your daily joke mail group ? what's next, a parody about relationships using computer slang? let's stick with what we know- mink and singerz talking about stupid things please

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

swirly jeff's alternative relationship advice: just stick your c--- in it

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Anonymous Swirly Jeff's Ass said...

Hey! that's my line! ("just stick your c--- in it")

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just be careful you don't get stains on shani's sweatpants

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what do you call this perverted Jeff Family Act?

We call it, The Aristocrats!

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