Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Through My Eyes

by singerz

Have you ever run up behind someone that looked like your friend, given them a huge hug, and then realized in horror that it was a complete stranger? Welcome to MY world. Except usually instead of giving them a bear hug, I slap them in the ass (not donkey). And it ends up being a gang member. In Harlem. At night. And he’s got a gun. And I forgot my bullet proof vest. And I wet myself. You get the idea.

Many of you who know me know that I have eye problems- and by eye problems, I mean I am legally blind in one eye. Oh you don’t believe me? Well, I’m so blind in one eye that when I was writing this and I wanted to make reference to a computer keyboard, I wrote ASDFGH instead of QWERTY (that’s a little keyboard/computer humor from my computer science major days. If you don’t get it, look at your keyboard. If you still don’t get it, it means you are not a nerd and don’t worry about it)

After doing a little research about my weird eye condition, named “Keratoconus”, I found the website of the National Keratoconus Foundation. On one of their front pages, they give directions on how to change the fonts on the website to make it bigger since only people with bad vision will be looking at the site. Isn’t that nice? NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S DICK. If I’m so blind that I can’t read the site in the first place, how the hell will I read the directions to make the font bigger? Riddle me that, you seeing-bastards.

Now, a few anecdotes relating to my vision:

1) I’m walking with a friend down the street and say some weird observation, as usual. Maybe something like, “Aren’t pigeons lucky? They’re so dirty and they don’t even care.” So my friend says, “Wow Zev, I sure would like to see the world through your eyes. Although, then I wouldn’t see much at all. ZING.” Needless to say, my friend is a dick

2) The phone is ringing in my house while I am visiting home. Nobody is downstairs at the time and so I answer the phone. But it wasn’t the phone that I picked up, held up to my face, and “answered.” No my friends, I “answered” the hot iron that was left on.

3) I saw a man walking in the park and I asked him if I could pet his dog. I began to pet it, rub its belly, let it lick my hand. I asked him what kind of dog it was. He replied, “Well, my dog is a golden retriever, but that squirrel you are petting seems to really like you.”

Why don’t I get the special contact lenses that could help my vision? They hurt. Meaning, I’m a baby. In the meantime, I will continue slapping stranger’s asses (not donkeys). And by the way, if any of you are wondering why I would even slap my friend’s ass even if I knew who it was, that happens to be an excellent question.


Anonymous Stevie Wonder said...

...I just called to say I love you, and i mean it from the bottom of my heart...

See Zevvy it aint so can compose and sings songs too...and u can grab all the ass you want as long as you say excuse me...

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Ray Charles said...

You got the right one baby, uh huh..
Being dead and blind is about the same damn thing...Always remember that white man ZEV

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Big Moe said...

Zev, youre so dirty you don't even care either.

2:19 PM  
Anonymous The See-er said...

How come all the cool famous blind people are black? And they all have cool names like Blind Lemon Willie... Name one person that was blind, famous and COOL (and Val Kilmer in 'At First Sight' does NOT count)!

PS. Zev, can't believe you are such a wuss. Contacts are ez.

3:13 PM  
Blogger The Mink said...

I hope this is the reason why you often "inadvertently" try to hold my hand when walking next to me or why you exchanged saliva with that old man at the bar the other night.

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

could you imagine what you could get away with if you were blind and had tourettes syndrome????

3:17 PM  
Anonymous let me in said...

this blog needs some spicing up. i thought there was a great comeback coming.

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Adrea Bottochelli said...

I am'a white, and'a blind, and'a cool. Zev is in'a good'a company!
And i have'a a big'a Italian dong. 1 out of 2 aint bad, huh zev!

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Zev Singer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:07 PM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

Nice work.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Little Boy said...


Why did you touch me in all of those private places? Do i still need to keep it a secret?

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Cookie said...

" I have to be careful driving.. I'm blind in one eye"
- an actual quote from Zev as we're walking out to the car

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Herr Kalir said...

Herr Bitch(Zev),

Last night during basketball we had a bit of an "argument" about the call of whose ball it was based on who had knocked the ball out of bounds (my teamate or yours?) While we both may have had the same view, having been in almost the exact same position in relation to the play, I just realized something, YOU ARE BLIND IN ONE EYE! Did you see the play with your "good eye"? I'll have to remember that next time you "see" the play as clearly as I do. And while i may require corrective lenses (just like you), i actually where mine. Our ball, we'll take it out of bounds....(bitch)

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who the hell wastes their time with this NARISHKEIT???????

A fan of the One-Eyed Satan

3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! »

4:35 PM  

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