Garbage That Keeps Me Up At Night

By Mink

Some things besides the torn cartilage in my ear that keep me up at night:

On ATM Machines and Card Swiping

I love being carded in most situations but one place where it annoys me is at the Bank of America ATM booths. Why the heck do we need to swipe in just to enter the premises? Yes the heating situation in there is wonderful on a cold night, but requiring a fool like me to try to swipe twice is inhumane. By the way I want you to know how I really feel about card swiping (and no I am not talking about the hand-in-ass cheek game that seemed to have been all the rage amongst the Jewish-male-adolescent-midwesterner crowd in summer camp, which they found to be both hilarious and heterosexual,). No matter how many diagrams I read about how to slide the damn card, my swiping skills on a good day are horrid. This is actually really a handicap in life and it impairs my essential functions by causing me to miss subway trains, to have a line full of people curse at me in the grocery store, and to get swiping blisters.

My new approach is to just admit defeat upfront by asking the professionally trained grocery cashier to handle the difficult task. Usually the grocery lady will decline this task and force me to unsuccessfully swipe while yelling “no, the other way” about 8 times in front of a line of old ladies, waiting to buy one loaf of bread and eggs. This whole process causes me emotional distress and has led me to contemplate filing a class action under the Americans With Disabilities Act.

But back to my point about the ATM’s--- is the objective to keep the non-BOA members out in the cold unless someone is nice enough to add them to the guest list and let them into the lounge? I am pretty sure their Wachovia cards or whatever will work in the machine. So basically they are saying if you don’t bank with us, feel free to use our machines but you are on your own trying to get in the door. Some nerdy dude (think Dean Pritchard from Old School) who wasn’t allowed into clubs and parties had to have come up with this one to exact his revenge. Come to think of it I see where he’s coming from and I think I like it.


On Compliment Recieving

I am a pretty much a terrible compliment receiver. If someone says "Jon, nice shirt," instead of an appropriate "thank you" response, I inevitably will try to bring it right back to them even if the reciprocal compliment doesn't work at all.

For example:

Complimenter: Jon, nice shirt
Me: You too
Complimenter: But im not wearing a shirt

Or even worse;

Complimenter: "Jon nice haircut"
Me: You too
Complimenter: But I am bald and it’s because I am on chemo.
Me: Uh, well I like your shirt.......

On the Meaning of Apathetic

Would the opposite of apathetic be pathetic? If so I now have a great excuse for being a lazy-ass, as it would be pathetic to not to be....and yes it is rather pathetic that I am not apathetic about the meaning of these words.


On Mixed Breeds

I know this is so 2004, but in Napolean Dynamite there is talk of the "Liger" being pretty much Napolean’s favorite animal. The liger is a mixed breed of a lion and a tiger and it is bred for its skills and magic. I was thinking of some other ridiculous mixed breeds that would be kind of awesome. So far my list includes:

The Rhitah (Rhino/Cheetah)---It would be like one of those freakish NFL 350 Defensive Ends who can inexplicably run the 40 yard dash in 3.6 seconds.

The Cowperd(Cow/German Shepherd)---Imagine a scene where these animals successfully wrestle a fleeing criminal to the ground but not before providing the helpless dude with a warm glass of milk

The Fire Turtle (Fire fly/turtle)---Glow in the dark turtles....nuff said

The Spearson (Michael Jackson/Brittany Spears)---If the breed survived (and clearly that'd be a miracle), this "thing" would be a museum piece.

The Frat (Frog/Bat)---A deranged flying frog that is named frat. I need a beer just thinking about this one.


(Further absurd mixed breed suggestions are certainly appreciated)