Things I've Had Enough of: Mink, Me, and People Who Say "For All Intensive Purposes"

by singerz

When 3 days go by after Mink posts, and I haven't put something up yet, Mink bitches. "Waaaaaa, cmon Zev, post on the blog, waaaaaa, change my diaper, waaaaaa." True story. But there is a double standard here, Mink, and I will not let this injustice stand. Next time you come for the weekend, I'm not putting a dirty sheet on top of the dirty mattress for you to sleep on. Chew on that, because G-d alone knows who and what has been on that mattress.

Have you ever wanted to take a break from a roommate or a friend? Well yesterday I realized that I really, REALLY need a break from...wait for it... myself. I just would like a little breathing room. Don't get me wrong, I really like myself. A lot. Like more than a friend. But I would just love to have one damn weekend alone, without myself, without my stupid jokes, and without my crazy ideas. I wish.

And finally- I know plenty of people who say "For all intensive purposes" instead of "For all intents and purposes." Drives me mad. Like my brother who says "HundreT" instead of "HundreD." C'mon bro, enough of that. To quote one of my favorite toys from childhood, Speak-n-Spell, "SAY IT." And who is going to argue with the authoritative robotic yet tender and sweet voice of the Speak-n-Spell. I rest my case.

Puns, Passover, and Some Other P-Word I Can't Think of

by singerz

My blog jokes are getting a little thin. And I don’t mean they’re not funny, I mean they haven’t been eating particularly well and have lost weight. I hope they don’t have an eating disorder. Uch, now I’m gonna have to pay for therapy and start complimenting them- “No, you don’t look fat Joke, you look amazing…” Speaking of fat joke, yo mamma so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. BOOM SUCKA.

On a completely separate note, is E Minor. In addition, 4+7=11. Had enough yet, dear reader? I could go on for hours or until someone calls the authorities.

And now, in honor of the recent holiday, a few Passover observations:

-Matzah is spelled “Matzoh” on the boxes. I tried walking around pronouncing it like that and got some strange looks.

-Matzoh gives you constipation, and prunes reverse the effect, so if you eat prunes on top of matzoh you can let them fight it out in your body.

-Horseradish has nothing to do with horses.

-If a household pet parakeet eats horseradish, it will probably die. Don’t tell my sister, we told her it had a heart attack.

-When someone spills wine on themselves, they’re supposed to pour seltzer on themselves to prevent the stain. When my brother spilled seltzer on himself, I poured wine on him. It didn’t work. And I have a black eye. (Is anyone else disturbed that when you say “black eye” fast out loud it sounds like “black guy”?)

-If you ever take the greyhound bus from New York to Washington DC to go home for Passover, do NOT sit directly next to the bathroom at the back of the bus. Cause if you do, the fat old man will probably have stomach problems and you will have to smell his stomach problems for the last 2 hours and 45 minutes of the trip.