Friday, February 02, 2007

A Female Guest Visits The Dump (There is a First For Everything)

"Making Productive Use of the Technology Around Us"

By Xani

So Mink asked me to write a guest blog entry. At first I was flattered—he clearly admires my fine writing style and sharp wit. Then he asked me to have it to him by tomorrow. I now realize he’s just too busy doing other crap to write it himself, and he knows my boss is out of the country and I am probably just sitting at my desk reading Craigslist all day. (True. Mostly. See below.)

Now I am faced with a challenge: write an entertaining (?) blog entry to a bunch of people I don’t know, about a topic of my own choosing. I figure the best way to start this is where Mink left off, and I’ll go free-association from there…

Talking on the phone in the bathroom

The post on this topic caused quite a stir. Several people were mildly offended by the fact that they may have had conversations with the Mink where he was at least partially undressed. Not to mention the whole excrement issue. I know I made a mental note to never borrow, or even touch, the Mink's phone again. But I also immediately thought of a solution to the echo/splashing/flushing sounds issue:

Texting

It’s like a miracle cure. Sure, for the guys it might mean a little practice texting one-handed, but hey, it’s not that difficult (I often do it while driving). I admit to being a chronic texter. Although at the moment this is more something put upon me than an actual choice; my phone is slowly dying, and its latest symptom is that I can only make or receive calls in speakerphone mode (so clearly bathroom calls are out of the question). But even when I have the option of talking on the phone, I often opt to text. It’s the wave of the future—no more inane conversations over where and when to meet. Short and to-the-point:

Me: Where should we meet to watch the Terps lose tonite?
Friend: Thirsty Dog?
Me: They don't even have tv's there. Idiot
Friend: F U

See? So much easier than actually TALKING to another human being. And texting can be used for so much more than just making plans! It’s also good for: telling people you are going to be late to work (I send and/or receive about one of these per day); making pointed comments about what’s on TV (“are u watching top chef? marcel is such a tool”); phone sex (no comment); marriage proposals, etc, etc. The possibilities are endless. And speaking of endless possibilities, let’s discuss….

The Internet

What in the hell did we do before this came along? Probably a lot more work. I don’t have any actual figures on this, but I have to estimate that 98% of office employees’ time in this country is spent screwing around on the internet (other 2% spent getting coffee and making personal phone calls). I bet you are at work right now. And on the Internet. Screwing around. See what I mean?? One of my personal favorite internet time-wasters is…

Craigslist.org

Some of you might be familiar with this website, maybe you used it to buy some concert tickets, get rid of your old couch, find a roommate, or play a practical joke on your buddy (See http://minksgarbagedump.blogspot.com/2006/08/slurpees-with-strangers.html), etc. But you casual CL readers may not know about the seedy (and endlessly entertaining) underbelly of Craigslist. There is also a “personals” section on each city’s board that can provide bored office drones with hours of amusement. Want to read desperate attempts by painfully shy coffee drinkers to ask out that barista they’ve been pining after?

Head on over to Missed Connections. Casual Encounters is the place to see what kinds of crazy, high-risk sex is available in your city, tonight! Rants and Raves is another piece of work: huge amounts of bandwidth devoted to idiots spewing the kind of hate and stupidity they would never have the guts to say without the benefit of anonymity. Politics, race, dating, traffic, sports… any and every topic is discussed here, from the ridiculous to the downright disturbing (usually with a disproportionately large amount of grammatical errors).

Every once in a while you find something genuinely funny, touching, or interesting (start with Best Of if you are impatient). But what’s truly special about CL is the volume of crap there is to read. With tons of boards and dozens of cities there’s no waiting around for days for more crap to appear (like on this blog). I think CL refreshes every 5 minutes. You may never do work again. You’re welcome!

326 Comments:

Blogger Chaya said...

Great post! I once calculated that out of my 8 hour work day, I do about 2 hours of work.

The rest of time I am either:
Tweezing my eyebrows
Making personal calls and pretending they are work related
Making coffee
Looking for splenda packages to steal from the kitchen
Talking about office politics
and........surfing the web.

Besides Craigs, check out

www.overheardinnewyork.com

Of course onlysimchas, but that's just me.

When I get really desperate I go to the weight watchers boards and read the ranting and ravings of fellow weight watchers who complain about how hungry they are and which wrong food choice they have made.

Happy Friday!

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Hayley said...

Unless of course your workplace (aka hell) has decided to BLOCK all interesting sites...including craigslist, evite, all porn, etc.

If they block thesuperficial.com I am quitting and finding a new job. How am I supposed to be productive if I cannot keep up with celebrity gossip?

9:56 AM  
Anonymous xani-funny and intelligent!!!! said...

can this become xanisgarbagedump.blogspot.com from now on?

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember back in the day when it was announced that Craig Kilborn was leaving the Daily Show and everyone was bummed out because they thought, "Jon Stewart is taking over? That guy who used to do Remote Control? That's going to be terrible!" Only then, Jon Stewart was better than everyone expected and actually ended up being far funnier than Craig Kilborn ever dreamed of being, and then it got to the point that people forgot Craig Kilborn ever hosted the Daily Show? Yeah, that's what just happened with the Garbage Dump, only we never doubted Xani. Mink who?

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo Xani - you're famous amongst the five of us that read this blog. And thanks to Mink for loosening his iron grip on the Garbage Dump and letting someone else comment on using electronics in the bathroom for once - geez!

ps. I vote for another round of SNACKS awards - who's with me?

7:28 PM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

I'm excited that someone out there appreciates the SNACKS awards. It's a real passion of mine. I mean PASSION. I want to make sweet love...ummm nothing. In the near future, a post of mine will go back to snacks. Cheers. (Dont you hate people who say "cheers" alot?)

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post xani! especially the reference to the slurpee-girl joke on minks :) that was hilarious!

you forgot to mention panda cam as a wonderful way to spend the 9-5 hours of boredom

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