A Day for the Eavesdrop

by Mink

Whether it is on a subway, at a restaurant or when peering through a hole you created in the ladies bathroom, eavesdropping (weird word...try saying it a few times) is unavoidable. Yesterday unintentional eavesdropping was the theme, as well as the highlight, of my day. Please allow me to share with the class.

I was walking near the law school when I overheard a snippet of a female student's cell phone conversation. She emphatically told the poor soul on the other line that "it is not just about Miami G-d damn it!!!!!)" I found myself intrigued and tried to eavesdrop.

Inner monologue:

---What could possibly be negatively associated with Miami? Did your boyfriend cheat on you there? If so are you single now? Looking for a pseudo-functional rebound guy?

---Was it something you ate in South Beach? a bad sunburn? (spf 45 aloe vera works like a charm and doesn't leave that oily residue) distraught over the UMiami player who was murdered?

----And if it wasn't just about Miami what the hell is this all about? Perhaps the voice on the other line was a movie-scene ruiner spoiling all the lines from the Borat movie that she planned to see this weekend. Or perhaps it was just a roomate who failed to wash one dish too many.

---Ok buddy you just need to simmer down and get a hold of yourself. (not sure if this was directed to myself or the hostile phone converser).

---And did she just use the word G-d in the same sentence with Miami? I think the last time I heard the two linked was when a favorite college professor of mine proclaimed "Miami, otherwise known as G-d's waiting room." (editor's note--- I am not using the "-" so much for religious reasons as I am trying to protect the heavenly father from having this absurd site come up on a google search of His own name).


Well after an awkward and abrupt pause in my walk and a non-discrete stare, I decided I would not get any answers and was on my way. This bizzare street eavesdrop sadly was the highlight of my otherwise uneventful day. However, thanks to the paper thin walls of my apartment building I was blessed with a much better eavesdrop moment after dark.

The night-time soundbyte was not really a conversation, rather I would more appropriately describe what I heard as the "moans of passion" or the "grunts of love."

Inner monologue #2:

---Is that a female voice screaming for help? Should I go knock on their door?

---No that is not a yell, sounds more like moan.

---Wait, let me find a better ear angle...... there we go.....yeah repeated expressions of jubilation.....Sounds like Maria Sharapova playing tennis.

---Sexytime, wawaweewa!

---Wow, still going.....will this be weird when I get my mail tommorrow and this couple says hello? Should I give them accolades for this performance?

---Ok I need to get some sleep. Should I go knock on their door?

Choose Your Own Adventure

by singerz

Growing up (which many people claim I have not done yet), I used to love reading those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. There was nothing more exciting to me than having an adventure, and being able to choose it, on my own. Simply fantastic.

Admittedly, I cheated. Whenever I made a choice, I would hold my finger in the place in the book where I was reading, look ahead to the page where my choice led me, and decide whether it was the right choice. Needless to say, I always beat the villain, never became the villain, never accidentally killed my friend, never got eaten by a three-headed wooly mammoth, always solved the crime, and once, I even got the girl (that was in my older years when getting the girl was the good result and not the bad one - ewwww girls).

Not that it was so difficult to choose what the correct choice should be. I will give you an example: You’re walking in the woods. There is a fork in the road. You pick it up and put in your pocket with your spoon (sorry, I had to say it). Then the road splits and you have two choices:

If you decide to walk down the scary dark path with snakes on it, a skull and crossbones marking it, and evil maniacal laughter emanating from down the path, turn to page 4.

If you decide to walk down the path with sunshine, roses, gold, ping pong tables, fair maidens giving out free snacks, and unlimited soda fountains, turn to page 5.

Tough decision, eh? I should write a psychology book entitled “You know your child is a sociopath if he finds himself on page 4.”

And now, for this weeks Choose Your Own Adventure: You live in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Two different friends are offering to set you up on dates with different girls:

If you decide to go out with the ‘bearded lady’, turn to page 10

If you decide to go out with Jo-Jo the dog-faced albino, turn to page 14.

Correct answer: Burn the book.