Nausea Can Be Fun

by singerz

I know I know, we haven’t posted in two weeks. A lot has happened in two weeks time, you wouldn’t even believe it. For example, ummmm, I bought a pack of undershirts. Oh, and I tasted broccoli- FYI, it’s just as bad as I thought it would be.

In other news, I had a stomach infection thingy. No, not the usual- “6 slices of pizza and two liters of soda” virus, but something actually serious. I was nauseous for like two weeks straight. Was kinda fun. Lost some weight. It’s the new diet, called “starvation.” Works like a charm. Wow, actually, now that I think about it, being nauseous for two weeks straight sure wasn’t fun at all.

So after a while of this, I went to see the doctor- something I dread doing (see previous posts). The doctor rubbed my belly, made a honking noise while doing so, I giggled, and then he prescribed antibiotic pills for me to take. Two problems arose.

First, the pills were HUGE. We’re talking horse-pills, the size of New Jersey. I only recently, in the last few months, learned how to swallow pills. (Yes, for 25 years I would buy children’s chewables or mash up regular pills and eat them in ice-cream. Am I weird?) This is strange, since I have absolutely no problem whatsoever swallowing a whole hot dog without chewing it, but cant down a Tylenol. Getting those antibiotics down was a brutal battle of epic proportions.

Second problem. The Doctor informed me that if I was not feeling better after a few days of the antibiotics, I should, and I quote, “just pop on right by to the office and I will give you a stool-testing kit which you can take home and do yourself.”

Doc, I love you and all, but I ‘aint “popping on by” ANYWHERE to get a stool-testing kit. My mind went crazy. What could this kit contain? What must I do with it? Where would I put it? And most importantly, would I tell my roommates about this?

Needless to say, I prayed my little heart out to get better- I did in fact want to feel better, but mainly because I simply did not want to find out what this stool-testing kit business was all about. Thankfully, the monster-pills worked and the stool kit remains a mystery to this day.

In conclusion, some words of wisdom from a nausea expert. If you have a stomach virus and think you’re feeling better but just aren’t sure yet, DO NOT eat nasty powdered mac and cheese. Trust me.

Burned

by singerz

Back to the grind. July 4th weekend came and went. We are all just a little bit more tan. Some of us are a little bit more hungover. Others, maybe, are a little bit more in the emergency room nursing firecracker wounds to 4 of our fingers on our strong hand because our asshole friend doesn’t know how to use a goddamn firecracker. You know.

I did happen to have a chance to make it briefly to the beach this weekend and I want to share some sunburn thoughts. Now, I burn very easily. Not as easily as Mink the friendly albino, (no offense to friendly albinos), but I burn. And every single time I am out in the sun, I make sure to use a ton of lotion – it goes as fast as hotcakes. And if there is a boardwalk nearby, I love hotcakes and so I eat them- and they go like suntan lotion. You get the idea. And if you don’t, stop reading and go back to work before your boss fires you for reading goofy shit at work.

Inevitably, I will miss a spot with the lotion. But is it a normal spot to miss? No, of course not. Is it my arm that I miss a spot on? OF COURSE NOT. It’s a weird part of my neck, or some crazy part of my face, or my forehead. Well this year, boys and girls, it was my chin. I FORGOT TO PUT LOTION ON MY FREAKING CHIN. (I’m sorry for the caps, I was trying to hit the ‘Shift’ button and hit ‘Caps Lock’ and it just so happened to work out well with what I was trying to write. Who doesn’t like a little more keyboard humor these days?)

So yes, I forgot lotion on my chin, and so my face is completely normal with a burned chin. I look like I have some sort of rash and have been scratching it nonstop for three days. HA HA. You should see the looks I am getting on the streets. “Mommy, why does that man look like he is wearing a red chin-guard on his face?”

Or how about:
“See Jimmy, that’s why mommy always tells you to make sure you put lotion everywhere.”
Zev: “Uh, lady, I can hear you, I’m right here.”
“See Jimmy, that’s why mommy always tells you to whisper when you are talking about crazy people outside.”
Zev: “LADY, I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.”
“See Jimmy….” Ad nauseum. (Joke note: I decided to stop after two, but trust me, I could have gone all day… ALL DAY I tell you…

Next time: Zev forgets lotion on that little indented place under his nose.