Through My Eyes

by singerz

Have you ever run up behind someone that looked like your friend, given them a huge hug, and then realized in horror that it was a complete stranger? Welcome to MY world. Except usually instead of giving them a bear hug, I slap them in the ass (not donkey). And it ends up being a gang member. In Harlem. At night. And he’s got a gun. And I forgot my bullet proof vest. And I wet myself. You get the idea.

Many of you who know me know that I have eye problems- and by eye problems, I mean I am legally blind in one eye. Oh you don’t believe me? Well, I’m so blind in one eye that when I was writing this and I wanted to make reference to a computer keyboard, I wrote ASDFGH instead of QWERTY (that’s a little keyboard/computer humor from my computer science major days. If you don’t get it, look at your keyboard. If you still don’t get it, it means you are not a nerd and don’t worry about it)

After doing a little research about my weird eye condition, named “Keratoconus”, I found the website of the National Keratoconus Foundation. On one of their front pages, they give directions on how to change the fonts on the website to make it bigger since only people with bad vision will be looking at the site. Isn’t that nice? NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S DICK. If I’m so blind that I can’t read the site in the first place, how the hell will I read the directions to make the font bigger? Riddle me that, you seeing-bastards.

Now, a few anecdotes relating to my vision:

1) I’m walking with a friend down the street and say some weird observation, as usual. Maybe something like, “Aren’t pigeons lucky? They’re so dirty and they don’t even care.” So my friend says, “Wow Zev, I sure would like to see the world through your eyes. Although, then I wouldn’t see much at all. ZING.” Needless to say, my friend is a dick

2) The phone is ringing in my house while I am visiting home. Nobody is downstairs at the time and so I answer the phone. But it wasn’t the phone that I picked up, held up to my face, and “answered.” No my friends, I “answered” the hot iron that was left on.

3) I saw a man walking in the park and I asked him if I could pet his dog. I began to pet it, rub its belly, let it lick my hand. I asked him what kind of dog it was. He replied, “Well, my dog is a golden retriever, but that squirrel you are petting seems to really like you.”

Why don’t I get the special contact lenses that could help my vision? They hurt. Meaning, I’m a baby. In the meantime, I will continue slapping stranger’s asses (not donkeys). And by the way, if any of you are wondering why I would even slap my friend’s ass even if I knew who it was, that happens to be an excellent question.

PIZZA-MOVIE: Zev’s Saturday Nights and the Blogger Convention 2

by singerz

Hello. How are you. I’m good.

Today I will write about Saturday night activities, and why I choose to, as the old saying goes, “PIZZA-MOVIE” most of the time. I get mocked for choosing the pizza-movie lifestyle, but I will prove, using biblical and archeological sources, why I am correct.

The average Saturday night goes like this: Make plans to go out…some party where I’ll only have fun if I’m either a) extremely drunk so I don’t care what I do or say, or b) pretending to be extremely drunk so I can pretend that I don’t care what I do or say or c) the party takes place at the playboy mansion (hasn’t happened yet, Hugh keeps telling me my invitation is getting lost in the mail).

I get hungry, so I order pizza before I go out. As I happen to have an extremely weak stomach, I get a stomach-ache after eating the pizza (its weird, people keep telling me that its not the weak stomach but the 6 slices…naaaaa, it’s the weak stomach). Since it hurts, I try to cancel my plans and stay in instead: “Guys, lets just get a movie”, which really means: “I have terrible gas, go to the party without me.”

As a side note, unbeknownst to many, a good way to relieve stomach pains is to use a hot water bottle and hold it on your stomach. I’m telling you this works. You think I’m a homo for doing this? Well my friends, I’m a homo whose stomach feels a little bit better than it did before, so screw you (not literally, I’m not really a homo).

I forget where I was going with the rest of this Saturday night story, but anyway this past week was something unique since there was actually a blogger’s convention in Baltimore. Below are some of the highlights from the bowling event Saturday night:

The bloggers are popular with the girls…at least the girls who we lie to and tell them we are rich and succesful and have passed the bar:

Mink thinks hes funny when he lays down on the floor. He learns his lesson and realizes its not particularly “funny” when someone throws a bowling ball and it crushes his crotch:

The bloggers licking a bowling ball. Not sure why. Something to do with beer:

Mink gets implants. Zev trying to see if they are real. Turns out, they’re real and they’re spectacular:

My Life Soundtrack

By Mink

I wouldn't exactly call myself a music scholar. In fact I wouldnt exactly call myself a scholar in anything except maybe a scholar of useless information (although others may call that autism). Before I ramble any further I don't think anyone is ever referred to as a music scholar so I guess what I meant was someone who is an educated music fan who keeps up with the bands, knows the lyrics etc....

Anyway, while my friends in high school had fancy stereos and the most up to date anti-shock discmen, I was still in audio-cassette mode. In fact I still am in audiocassette mode and from time to time will proudly listen to my first tape, the Michael Jackson classic; "Bad." I did eventually make the jump to CD's and in fact even learned how to burn a couple (unfortunately it took me 3 tries to learn that burning a CD was not supposed to involve matches)......Last year I even made the jump to an Ipod mini but the majority of my music listening is in the car on the radio where I can keep up to date with the latest pop hits or flip over to good old classic rock or whatever the hell else I am in the mood for as I angrily fight through traffic.

However, despite my non music-scholarliness, my ridiculous life has a soundtrack and even a theme song. For any given period of my life I have a song that is deeply engrained into my head. A lot of times a song doesn't become part of the soundtrack until a few months after the period when I hear a song which triggers the memory. Other times the song becomes the current song on my soundtrack. Here are some snippets from the more memorable tunes from the minktrack with a brief note about the time period:

Fall 1995--high school: "Mmmmmmm" (Crash test dummies) (was heavily traumatized by the girl who couldnt change in the changeroom b/c of all her birthmarks)

Fall 1996---high school (cross country season): "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" aka:"despite all my rage") (Smashing Pumpkins) (I really just may owe my life to Billy Corgan for getting me through the vomitting, tripping (not drugs just falling on my face), and embarrassment ( getting my ass kicked by girls) of the 5K varsity cross country races. P.S. ----Being that I am not a real music fan I had to use google to find out Mr. Corgan's name.)

Fall 1999---college: "Blue" aka "Im blue daba dee daba di" (Eiffel 65) (I have no clue what this song means but I certainly had the tune in my head as I so unsuccessfully would try to pick up chics in college. This is also the song that got me into powerade)

Spring 2001---college: "I’m not that innocent" (Brittany) (This was during a confused stage, I guess. But I am not embarrassed to admit that I looked forward to my special times where I would listen to this legendary song as I sipped martinis and polished my nails.)

Fall 2003---law school: "The First Cut is the Deepest" (Sheryl Crow) (I would sing all the words as I drove to school. One time I ran a red at a camera light while singing/monotonely chanting "'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst."..... Girl troubles, I promise.)

Spring 04----law school: "Come Clean" aka "let the rain fall down"(Hillary Duff) (Brittany to Crow to Duff: I think you are starting to see some real maturity and growth here. FYI-- did you know that hillary duff's older sister plays the mean attractive blonde in Napolean Dynamite who refuses to play teather ball with Napoleon or go to prom with Pedro after he romantically builds her a cake? )

Fall 2005---looking for a job: "Listen to your heart" (DHT) (I decided to make this the hurricane katrina theme music and would hum this as I put my law degree to use by delivering pizzas.)

December 2005----temp work/Josh's AC bachelor party (no he isn't gay): "Hung up" and "Lucky Star" (Madonna) (This was just my weird madonna phase---ok im still in it....For some reason I felt really cool, like I was in Swingers, as a group of us strolled through a casino in AC where this song was playing. I think in describing the aforementioned scene most people would replace the cool adjective with "incredibly teenage girlish" and replace Swingers with The Notebook.

Currently---new job: "Brown Eyed Girl" (Van Morrison) (I am not sure this would have made the cut had I realized that the words were really "hey where did we go?" as opposed to "Hey there Rodrigo." They always play it at the Orioles games and I obviously assumed that they did so in honor of their starting pitcher, Rodrigo Lopez......It also happens to be my current ringtone)



Quite a list right? Every once in a while, there is a song that becomes such a dominant part of the soundtrack that it has to become your theme song (sort of like "build me up buttercup" in "There's something about Mary"---although the song didn't appear in the movie till the closing credits) Around new years of last year I was fortunate enough to have that happen to me... The song: "Your Love" by the 1980's legendary band, The Outfield. It has actually come to a point where my friends call me when this song is on at a radio or bar to the share the moment with me....Sick stuff.

That's all for now and I certainly expect that if anyone wants to burn this soundtrack they wouldn't need an extra CD, just some lighter fluid or matches.