High School, Take Number Two

By Mink

With little better to do this past Saturday night, I attended a high school basketball game between two Jewish rival schools in Baltimore. Beth Tfiloh (my alma) and Rambam (a newer Jewish school commonly mistaken for a Flintstone character)....It was a heated battle, too close for comfort, that the good guys squeaked out by 8 (after trailing by 12 late).

Besides providing a Saturday night activity for my bored and lazy self, the game and the festive environment gave me a chance to reflect. And no I don't mean reflection about the high school girls in the stands, although there were certainly more future stars in the stands than on the court. What I mean is that I began to reminisce about high school, which is natural when one enters his home gym. But this nostalgia did not take me back to missing the glory days or the old high school gang. Instead I was consumed with a new dream that at 25, I could head back this minute to high school and do it all over again. I would get out there and atone for the lackluster high school career I had on and off the court.

They say everyone should have a dream, some people want to be doctors, I want to spend my mid twenties in the hallways of Beth Tfiloh, throwing paper airplanes at substitute teachers and cracking perverted notes to my neighbors (Oh wait I might be confusing this with law school). So here are a few reasons why I would love to do it go back and rewrite history knowing what I know now as a 25 year old goof:

1. Varsity Basketball: Ok this is the main reason, I'd go back. The team needs a big man, and although I miss many a layup these days, I would like to think they could actually a 6'3 210 lb center. When people ask me my number in high school I can only respond "yellow" which was the color of my warmup shirt which never came off.....The "well disciplined" team didn\'t have much use for 6'1 160 lb scrawny, poor shooter.....But now I could start as a freshman and that will make anyone cool no matter what they look or smell like.

2. Acutane: In 1997 if you spotted me from far away, it was sometimes possible to mistake me for a tomato patch. One upper class-man even nicknamed one particularly red and oily visitor, who prominently parked himself on my beak for 3 weeks, as "Binky." Well that was before I took those crazy pills with the picture of the pregnant silhouette with a big red X over her on the outside of each individually packaged capsule. The dermatologist (or "pimple popper" as Seinfeld calls em) told me it reshaped the sebaceous glands or something. All I know is that after 6 months of nose bleeding, face peeling, and my lips nearly falling off I stopped having to wash my face ever.....Bottom line is that in 2006 I will no longer have to try to make my "I'll let you pop my pimples" pitch to secure a prom date....Although inviting 17 year olds to prom just may invite some legal drama, but that's another story.

3. The Beard: I, like most men my age, don't like shaving, its annoying and time consuming. But in high school its damn cool. When I was in high school I was just dying to shave. I didn\'t need to at all until I was 18 which worked out nicely because I would just borrow my 12 year old neighbor's norelco to trim my peach fuzz.....Anyway this would be a great deal for me, as I would instantly transform from "lazy" and "shlumpy" (my mother's term) to "cool" and maybe even"intriguing."

4. My Post Graduate School Credentials: I would enter with a law degree so the kids and teachers would be intimidated as I rattled off some of the few Latin words I remember from law school like "Mrs. Schultz this equation really reminds me of a res ipsa loquitar." or "Ms. Levine did Macbeth have the requisite mens rea? (As I purposely and repeatedly drop my pencil on the floor in an attempt to view some cleavage when she picks it up for me---ok maybe this part of the dream already happened)".....

5. New Pranks: I've always enjoyed a good prank but in High School the wildest things I did in class were hiding and coming out of closets or snorting dental floss and making it come out of the back of my throat. I would love the challenge of scheming up some new pranks (i.e. faking a heart attack during class) and setting up online chat rooms like we did in my first year Constitutional Law class.

6. An Experienced Drinker: At least for me, consumption of alcohol in High School was like my pursuit of females; unfruitful to say the least. But these days a Miller Lite can in my fridge is just something to wash down my burger and fries. My female adventures, while not as plentiful, at least have made strides since the 90's. This would be make me moderately cool as a high schooler today. Although after coaching JV basketball last year and hearing some of their alleged tales, I still think I would be getting the education in these regards.

7. The Cassanova or the Ladies Man: This is what we strived to be in high school and where I failed so miserably. Back then I learned the harsh reality that a girl who says she " just wants to be friends" really means "don't call me, don't touch me." But ooh how the times have changed, I mean what high school girl would not come running to a Bearded and Pimple Free/Juris Doctor/Prankmaster/Beer drinking/Varsity Basketball player? Is that not every teenage girl's paradigm of a hunk?


That's all I got for now, but at least for me this admittedly disturbing daydream sure beats the alternative of being a pseudo-functional grownup about to begin his first full time job ever.