Monday, January 30, 2006

Zev's Crib

by singerz

Last week, I was watching MTV’s Cribs and decided I would write about what my “crib” would be like if I was rich - or even just had more than $629.87 in my bank account. (NOTE TO IRS: Just kidding, I don’t really have anything in my account. NOTE TO VIOLENT BOOKIE MAN I OWE MONEY TO: I know I know, I only have until next Wednesday. But the joke is on you my friend, my fingers are already broken.)

First and foremost, if my house was on MTV Cribs, I would buy an actual baby crib. Then, I can say to the camera: “Wanna see my crib?” And then I will show them my crib. And then I will say “OK that’s it, you saw it, please leave my house now.”

Next, there would have to be a room in the house with tons of books, scrolls, maps and other various academic things. Oh and a kaleidoscope too. I feel like all fancy smart-people’s rooms have those expensive kaleidoscopes in them. I call this room the “Fakeout Breakout Room” because it’s only there to fake people out to make them think that I’m smart and read the academic books. And breakout rhymes with fakeout and reminds me of camp so I’ll call it that. Shut up, it’s my house and I can call the rooms whatever the hell I want.

I’d have a 35 person kitchen staff. In charge, clearly, is a fat black woman named Betsy who loves me and reminds me of the cook from Billy Madison. I’ll hire a man to taste my food before I eat it to make sure my enemies didn’t poison it. If it is poisoned, I’ll only eat it if I’m really hungry and Betsy tells me its going to take a while for other food to be ready. Also, I don’t think I have many enemies (though I may after this post).

The Candy Room is just what it sounds like. Except no Willy Wonka cause he freaks me out. In the candy room, you are allowed to take candy from strangers and babies. (As a side note, there’s nothing wrong with taking candy from a baby. They don’t even eat it, they eat like applesauce and shit like that).

Finally, my favorite room will obviously be named “The Best Room Ever.” This room includes: a hot tub, an automatic brick pizza-oven, a ping-pong table, a soda fountain with: Cherry Coke, Dr Browns Cream Soda, Sunkist fruit punch soda, and single malt scotch. I’ll hire Dr. Brown and build him a laboratory so just in case I run out of Cream Soda, he can just make more in his laboratory.

The wall-paper will be Far Side cartoons and the floor will be that bubble wrap paper that is changed and put in every day. Instead of a juke-box, I’ll hire Jimmy Page and Carlos Santana to hang out there so when I want music they will just play. They can use the ping pong table and step on the bubble wrap floor if they want, but are not allowed into the hot tub because they are dirty musicians.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

9:33 PM  
Anonymous documentary hypothesis said...

Ok...i did laugh out loud a couple times. Keep writing Zev...you're soon to be the next John Updike!

3:31 AM  
Blogger The Mink said...

Isn't this crib missing something zev? I assumed it would have a shvitz permanently set at 150 degrees. And that you would employ a half dozen or so 75 year old males to frolic about in their birthday suits as they powder their crown jewels.

11:07 AM  
Blogger EDS said...

No massage table fully staffed by the girls from Girls Gone Wild in the best room ever? No happy endings for visitors? When there is nobody waiting for a massage, they could be experimenting with ideas for the next video on your couch...

1:16 PM  
Blogger The Fades said...

I always wanted a water fountain, but I'm not really sure why. Also, a ball-pit, and one of those moon-walks.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous eli manning said...

o, sweetheart, so many things:

1- i'm pretty sure you mean a telescope in your "academic room", although a really big kaleidoscope DOES sound awesome.

2- i think you're supposed to take candy from a baby 'cause its easy, not unlike your mother.

3- good call with santana and the hot tub, no lady is going into any tub that he and his hair gel spent time in.

4- no manicure salon?

5:35 PM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

Nope, I meant kaleidoscope, punkass. Good idea on the salon.

6:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Singer, my 8 year old nephew wrote a short story about his dream room and it is remarkably similar to yours, except he admitted his visions were rather childish for such a big boy like himself

12:37 PM  
Blogger cj said...

whats singerz email?

7:46 PM  
Anonymous botz said...

When MTV pays your crib a visit, make sure to close the door to B-Dog's room.

12:56 AM  
Blogger BP Babe said...

funniest post yet. but shouldn't there be one of those huge funhouse rooms filled with thousands of plastic balls that you can swim in? nice with the soda/scotch fountain, but you know me, i'd do just fine without the soda. as for the far side wall paper, just don't rip apart that hugeass book i gave you. it cost me $135 minus $135.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Chaya said...

Singerz, I laughed hard when i read this one. Awesome, soda fountains; just make one of em diet cokes. You're right, you can still candy from babies, i do it all the time. ha ha. Keep writing, I'm totally entertained.

12:38 PM  

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