Thursday, May 11, 2006

I HATE Pigeons

by singerz

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up one morning and was the only one in my apartment. One roommate, (who, for purposes of anonymity, we will call “Doug”), was out somewhere, overachieving. The other roommate, (who, for purposes of anonymity, we will call “Levite”), was at work being angry at his boss.

As I was going through my morning routine (which includes: being unreasonably angry at the company that makes my alarm clock, drinking a diet coke, and trying to track down that funky smell), I heard a noise coming from Levite’s room- which happens to be the room attached to our terrace.

A pigeon had somehow gotten into Levite’s room. (“Somehow” = walked through the door to the terrace that was left open). So I, of course, did my duty as a wonderful roommate and shooed the pigeon away and back outside. Sounds straightforward, no? NO. Every time I stepped toward the pigeon to try and shoo it out, it FREAKED OUT. Somehow, after the pigeon had gotten in, the terrace door had blown closed. And so I was trying to get in to open the door, but every time I stepped in the room, the pigeon went berserk, flapping around and freaking out. Eventually, I threw a shoe at the door, it flew open, and the pigeon was out.

But alas, not before the pigeon shat. Alot. On Levite’s floor.

Later that day, Levite gets home from work and comes in to my room. “Ummmm, Zev, why is there a mess in my room? Was it Doug?” Now, a few thoughts immediately flew through my weird (and large) head:

1) Why does Levite call poop a "mess"
2) Why would Doug poop on the floor?
3) Even if our toilet is stuffed most of the time, still.
4) If Doug HAD, for some crazy reason, pooped on the floor, why would it look like pigeon poop?

Turns out what Levite meant was – did Doug leave the door open to the terrace. The moral of the story? I hate pigeons. Also, our apartment needs a new plunger. But back to the pigeons- they are arrogant, filthy, and ugly. How can an animal be arrogant? Oh I think you know. If pigeons could talk, they’d say something like: “Even though I’m filthy and disgusting, I think I am so much better than you.” Well, I got a newsflash for you, you g-ddamned nasty New York pigeons. You’re NOT better than me. I hate you. Next time: Other arrogant animals, including cats, foxes, and those huge cockroaches you see in yeshivas in Israel.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't the pigeon the official state bird of maryland? Are you saying you hate maryland? me too...

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Curious said...

Is this "pigeon" a euphemism for Sruli Jeff?

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Rabbi Allan Shwartz said...

More importantly,Is the poop/mess a euphemism for "something else" that was emmited by sruli jeff while wacthing porn?

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Sruli Jeff said...

It's Ammaaaaaaaazzing!

12:44 PM  
Anonymous eric axel said...

if rabbi shwartz's suspicions are correct then levite was right in thinking that doug was the culprit since levites browser's last hit was

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Gideon Lyons said...

Nice post bitch, although the only arrogant animal involved in that story is Doug.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Rabbi Gettinger of the YIWS said...

Rabbi Shwartz's "shit"a seems to make most sense. Because what levite found the "pigeon" to have "left" on the floor was a white substance resembling pigeon disembowlment,which in fact can closely resemble semen (bava kama 13:7.) Therefore it is most probably that Sruli Jeff had "been" or cohabitated with himself at levite's computer. And the lord said "let me "people" go", and Mr. Jeff seemed to have done just that. Gooten Shabbos...

3:54 PM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

Who knew this blog would turn into both a Mevaseret reunion and such a serious place of learning?

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Levite said...

I'm so sentimentel, that at the end of each day i hold a vigil for the day that just passed, for the world will never see it again....

8:06 AM  
Blogger Levi said...

firstly- I am the TRUE LEVITE... and 2 more things: a. i revile pigeons. no one truly can hate pigeons as much as i do until pigeons become your untimely 'alarm clock' among other things.
b. in SJ's defense i lock my computer to prevent such attempts at viewing free anonymous porn
c. in my defense, i didnt see the pigeon poo until after i had asked zevi what happened in my room... being the cleanest person in the apt i notice when my shoes are all aloof

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

let me guess.

Doug = Brian
Brian = Doug

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info » »

9:14 PM  

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