On and Off the Record

By Mink

Don’t you love it when someone asks a question you weren't expecting and you answer it with the one you assumed they would ask? Since greetings often begin with a "how are you?" it is easier than you would think to get crossed up (especially if you are a special individual) Example:

Random Attractive Woman: Hey what’s up?
Me: Good how bout you?
Random Attractive Woman: Uh…..good.

While a tad embarrassing, the above scenario is an example of a harmless non-answer. The question-asker walks away baffled as she contemplates pointing out the absurdity of the response. But, usually she will just let it slide as she carries on the conversation. However, a non-answer can become more than awkward in the following type of situation:

Non-Random But Still Attractive Woman (this is my hypothetical, so clearly she is good looking): Did you hear that X has terminal brain cancer?
Me: Good how bout you?

For the record, the above interaction has yet to happen to me but it certainly is a very Minkovian exchange. I recently have taken quite a liking to this Minkovian adjective. Remarkably, it can be interpreted as self -promoting and self -deprecating at the same time.

Ok, now we can go off the record. Since we last spoke I have learned that:

• “Nappy" is not a nice word to say---Honestly before the Imus debacle "alright, im grumpy, its time for my nappy," was my way of announcing my daytime dozes. I also learned that Jew is a bad word in some parts of the country.

• People who say "I am so chilled out" are generally some of the more uptight and anal people that I know. Yet somehow they have all deluded themselves into thinking that if they say the magic "I’m so chilled" words, that people won't see the pole up their asses. Erroneous. Aside from the possible exception of alcohol consumption, it is impossible to hide one's analness. These type of poles all glow in the dark.

• My roommate, Benito, was drafted in the ninth round of the Israel baseball draft. Rumor has it he would have been a higher pick but some teams were scared off by these quotes after his tryout last summer:
• "I really am just looking for an opportunity to go to Israel and launch some bombs."
• "My favorite play in baseball is the suicide squeeze. It is just so unexpected and causes so much damage."
• "I have a cannon for an arm and I hope to gun down as many runners as possible."

• The legendary Solomon Milgrome passed away just a couple of weeks after I wrote about him here You can read more about him in the Baltimore Sun. Best quote in the article: "We don't live long enough to hate." That is coming from a man who lived to be 104. Rest in peace Milgroomp.