Friday, October 27, 2006

Mein Cramp

By Mink

Now I may not be a doctor, but I can say with a great deal of scientific accuracy that a woman's menstrual cycle can change as a result of her environment (i.e. workmates or roomates). Ok maybe this is bogus because I didn't see it on wikipedia, my reliable source for everything (fyi, today's queries included: on the fritz, Borat, Otto Von Bismarck,* Posse Comitatus, and Menstrual Cycle). But seriously, I have heard this concept before from some of my female friends who tell me there were times that they were "in sync" with their gal pals.

What I didn't think was possible until last week was that:

1. I could also have a cycle and
2. that it also could be coordinated with the girls from work

Ok, relax guys. I didn't really have my period. And if I did, it would clearly be a colossal disaster. We are talking redness-through-my-khakis disaster. I have trouble enough just walking, so bless the Lord for giving me easy to use equipment. I swear I don't understand how you gals do all that maintenance.

Anyway, the reason I went off on this disturbing tangent is to tell you that last week I had lower abdominal cramps which I described to my doctor-father in jest, as menstrual cramps (and I mentioned the cycle alteration theory cuz it also seemed that a lot of the ladies in the office were not feeling well last week).

Now apparently the cramping was just the result of a little stomach virus I had contracted, but I want to tell you that it pretty much ruined my week. Besides, the constant pain which made it even more difficult than normal for me to walk down the street, the damn cramps actually cost me a chance to earn 500 extra bucks.

The University of Maryland Medical Center is conducting a vaccine trial for the Avian Flu and any generally healthy 18-40 year old who passed a "routine" blood test, would be eligible to be a part of the trial which also 500 big ones. Well a bunch of us loan re-paying fools at work decided that a drug injection for cash was a genius idea.

In fact about an hour before the blood-test screening, I decided that I owed a civic duty to share this news with other young workers who may want to inject their bodies for money too. So I promptly went over to a couple of young women at Starbucks and proudly asked them "Hey, you guys, want to make 500 bucks today?" It was one of those moments where you realize what an ass you are even before completion of the sentence. (I have roughly 19 of these a day). Needless, to say the ladies, responded with a semi-polite "Uh, maybe," before making a brisk get-away.

Fast forward one hour. The stomach cramps are not bad at this time but are certainly present. We enter the vaccine clinic, get the whole schpiel about the process and then have about 500 pints of blood sucked out of us. They then tell us that they will call us the next morning after the blood tests come back clean and we would then be eligible to return to get the injection.

Fast forward one last time to the next morning. I receive the first phone call of the bunch, a rejection from one of the nurses. "Jonathan, we are sorry but your white blood count was high and we are unable to include you in our trial."**

Now I have been rejected before (jobs, schools, girls, etc), but for some reason getting rejected from a wacky little human medical experiment really hit me hard. Of course all the others begin receiving their acceptance phone calls in the next few minutes, as I sulk in my workspace corner looking up "white-blood count" on wikipedia.

Notes:
*My curiosity about Von Bismark was piqued when I learned that we share an April Fools birthday.

**Doctors later would inform me that the high white blood count likely was the result of the virus.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

spelling correction:

"my CURIOSITY about von bismark was PEAKED..."

not

"my CURIOUSITY about von bismark was PEEKED"

whoops

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Angry English Major said...

Kind of douchy (my word, from the root "douche") to correct an innocent spelling mistake but if you're gonna do it may as well not amplify the douchiness by making an incorrect correction. It's "piqued," look it up anonymous.
Sorry, pseudo intellectuals get me angry. Mink, ignore The Douche and keep up the hilarity.

7:17 PM  
Blogger The Mink said...

FYI,my mother actually called me immediately after reading the post to:

1. Inform me of the "piqued" spelling blunder. (and after careful deliberation I have decided to go with the spelling suggestion of my mother--an editor and writer for over 25 years--, the "angry english major" and of course wikipedia over the friendly anoymous suggestion. Though, I too am shocked that a Q is involved in the spelling.)

2. To tell me that I am crass and should get a life.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous still not completely correct said...

Your mother also should have instructed you to phrase it as such: "the fact that you shared a birthday piqued your curiosity about OVB". Not the other way around- "My curiosity was piqued" is the less-than-preferable use of passive voice.

10:34 AM  
Blogger The Mink said...

All of your anoymously anal grammar tips, were appreciated.(yes that's a passive voice joke for those scoring at home). But at the garbage dump "PV" is more than preferable, in fact it is welcomed by posters and commenters alike.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great read. I would love to follow you on twitter.

10:14 AM  

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