ANOTHER GUEST: Levi's Mom is Funny

by Levi

It was one week ago that my parents and I flew down to Florida. It was on this flight that a somewhat innocent and mild incident turned publicly embarrassing and somewhat comical. And I begin.

My parents are not young. They are not old, but they are definitely not young. So when we travel together I usually step up and "assist" to the best of my ability- carrying bags, dealing with the airline staff, collecting the luggage from the baggage claim... you get the point. Our flight was scheduled for 6:00am, and at that time we were smoothly departing- Go Blue! (jetblue, that is). Seated side by side were me and parents- I had the window, my mother the middle and my father the aisle. Aww, family flights. Soon after being airborne we all religiously break out our headphones to watch tv. After some channel surfing (which btw, should be called channel 'scrolling' b/c on jetblue you can only go up or down, so when you have two channels that you'd want to watch, say ESPN and Animal Planet, but they are separated by 14 other channels, it gets very painful on the fingertips).

I started to recline my seat and try to get comfortable. In doing so, I noticed that the row behind me was completely vacant. SCORE! Not even relating this goldmine to my parents, I selfishly and quickly unbuckle, and like the gazelle that I am jump from armrest to armrest until the aisle. I excitedly take my seats and contort into my new found leather bed. (not one to break the rules, I tried tri-buckling. Not gonna happen- it felt like I was on a leather bound stretcher- all that was lacking was the neck brace.

This is the part of the story that the age of my parents comes into play. You see, in normal settings they can hear just fine. However, as anyone who flies knows, there are other elements that exist on a plane- there's the cabin pressure which pops your ears, there's the silent hum of the engines outside, and of course there's the HEADPHONES that have the live tv pumping into your ear canals- that can decrease the hearing ability of anyone. These elements are just that much more potent when one factors near-retirement-age into the mix. One also may overlook the fact that just because you can't hear does not mean that everyone else cannot as well.
After about 10 and a half minutes of hearing my mother SHOUTING to my father about Rachel Ray's approach to salting pork ribs on The Food Network, (keep in mind, I too had headphones on, and even one row away I heard her loud and clear so) I decided to "assist" the situation, by getting her attention to make her aware of her very-loud-talking.

I sat up and gracefully reached my hand above the seat in front of me and gently tapped my mothers head. {Now, for those of you who do not know me and/or my mother, I get much of my satirical and comical genes from her. She's a lovey-dovey cutesy type who likes to joke around, at home.} Immediately after my hand completes the second tap, my mother SCREAMS "SOMEBODY IS TOUCHING ME".

My hand is still red (from being caught red-handed, dahh) and my body instantaneously freezes. My eyelids open like a dear in headlights not wearing any underwear. And as the sound waves from my mother's rape-like bellow reach the front of the plane and cause the entire plane to turn and look, I slowly tip toe my hand back to my lap and elegantly slide my entire body through my seat belt onto the floor.

Sure, her intentions were clear- she didn't realize the booming volume of her voice, and she was just being her lovey-dovey-joking-self. She continues to be unaware of the whole state of affairs and goes on talking uber-loudly to my father. Out of pure, raw embarrassment I smack the back of her chair with my elbow, from my new seat on the plane- the floor under my lone row.
I managed to make the best of the situation- the other passengers were calmed when they saw that there was clearly nothing awry; but in this day and age- when a bottle of water is considered a threat and everyone is aware of everything it definitely makes my top 10 list of embarrassing-situations-on-a-plane-with-my-parents-from-last-week.

After I got our bags from the baggage claim carousel, my face finally returned to the post-birth paleness I was born with and I was able to recount the story to my parents. And yes, on our way out of the terminal, I know I noticed some undercover security officials slyly following me....