This Week's Matchup: Zev vs. Doctors

by singerz

Last week, a girl asked me if I would be her “friend with benefits”. I was like HAROOOGAH! (nothing to do with what she said, I had a waffle stuck in my throat and that’s the sound I make when I’m choking. Mmmmm boy do I love waffles). Anyway, I told her I’d have to think about it. Turned out, when she said friends with benefits, she was referring to health and dental benefits. Joke is on me. Well, and on the medical insurance company. And on the provider group, I guess. But mainly, the joke is on me.

So speaking of health and doctors (nice segway, eh?) my whole life I have hated doctors. (Hated = feared). (If you haven’t noticed, I LOVE parentheses (I really (really, (no, REALLY) ) do)). Sorry.

So what were we talking about? Ah right- doctors. I know that doctors are more common than guys whose favorite movie is either Shawshank Redemption or Usual Suspects. And I know they are necessary and help people. But I think that because of a couple of incidents with doctors that have happened to me, I’m simply afraid of the whole lot of ‘em.

Incident 1: Zev is approximately 9 years old. Needs some weird procedure where the doctor has to shove something up Zev’s nose to go down his throat to take pictures of things. Zev receives novocain. Doctor returns, pokes Zev’s nose, and asks- “Do you feel that?” Zev replies- “OW, YES.” Doctor says – “No you don’t, you just think you do.” Zev wonders, even with his little 9 year old brain, why doctor would ask Zev the question if he wasn’t going to believe his answer. Doctor starts procedure. Zev feels the procedure. It hurts. A lot. Zev’s mom calls him a baby. Lots of crying involved.

Incident 2: Zev is approximately 12 years old. Gets braces with reputable orthodontist. Reputable orthodontist usually does not wear gloves when he places hands in Zev’s mouth. Reputable orthodontist has very hairy hands. Human hands are generally not hairy, but reputable orthodontist’s are hairier than a Chewbacca. Zev eats reputable orthodontist hair for breakfast twice a month, unless his braces break and then he gets it a little more often. What a treat.

My mom, or as I like to call her, “Mom”, calls me a baby and mocks me for the “crying-like-a-bitch-when-the-doctor-wanted-to-prick-your-finger-with-the-little-needle-to-get-blood-when-zev-was-18” incident. Well mom, the only prick in that story went to school for 7 years and makes you read Good Housekeeping in his waiting room. And I’ll give you a hint- it’s not me. I have Redbook in my waiting room.

Doctors do many good things- help, heal, and fix people. I know this because I watch Grey’s Anatomy. Meredith is SO annoying. And Yang is just so cold, yaknow? The point is, many grown men are afraid of showing their Willy Wonka to doctors, and I might just be one of them. Sorry Mom, but that’s the way I play it, homes.