Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Barbershop 2: My turn in the chair

By Mink

I hope you aren't barbershopped out but after Zev posted his barber adventures I felt an obligation to share this tale

Towards the end of my first year of law school my very caucasian law school friend and I entered a barber shop in lexington market (in the heart of downtown baltimore) much to the amusement of the customers and barbers.....If you have seen the movie Barber Shop you couldn't have replicated it much closer than the scene we witnessed that day.....(Guys hanging out for hours talking sports and detailing their latest female conquests, reading Ebony, and selling bootleg dvds)

Anyway they asked me what I wanted and I think I said something like "just buzz the back and blend the top with scissors, leaving the bangs a little longer." The dude looked at me in shock and responed "I don't do scissors, its either clippers or you can wait for Big Willie to help you." I chose to wait for Big Willie as my law school pal got an unusually time consuming buzz cut. I also giggled after hearing another guy describe that he wanted his hair to be done "Allen Iverson style."

As I got into the chair I told Big Willie to do mine "Christian Laetner style." (for the non-sports fan readers Mr. Laetner is one of maybe 7 caucasian-american NBA players in the league) Several patrons chuckled at that one but Big Willie was getting frustrated because I kept turning around to look in the mirror. Viewing it as an insult, he said "what you don't trust me?" I just smiled and tried to remain calm.

As it turned out Big Willie didn't use scissors either and his version of a blend was holding my hair in the front with a comb as he would chop off another layer with the clipper. After 2 or 3 chops, some chatter about illegal cable and the Maryland basketball team I was satisfied enough and thanked Big Wilie for his services......We walked past that shop on the way to law school everyday and although I never got another haircut there, Big Willie waived to me everyday after my unforgettable visit.

Editors note: I was saddened to learn recently that the Lexington Barber Shop has closed, however the DVD bootleg business is alive and well and rumor has it Big Willie is filling some of his extra time posting anonymously on this blog.


Blogger The Critics said...

I'm not even posting this comment because I want to. Mink actually "paid" me $7.25 to post a comment here.

Why $7.25, you might ask? Well, the vig for the win of his beloved Maryland team against BC (a vastly inferior team if you ask me) cost him an additional $2.25 on top of his $5 bet, and Mr. Mink was past due on his payment. However, as part of his plea bargain, Mink cajoled me into posting on his website in the hopes that some user traffic that would be garnered as a result of my highly controversial commentaries would earn him back some of his hard cash.

Believe it or not, Minkove actually bet AGAINST Maryland, thinking that BC would easily win and he'd score some cash on the sly, while at the same time arguing vehemenently that Maryland should have won. Mink did all this in the hopes that nobody would know he secretly despises Maryland and was rooting for the Boston College Eagles the whole time. I know, you say "what??!?! Mr. Mink would never knowingly root for any other team against Maryland, he's a die-hard fan!"

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you the evidence. Mr. Mink is a traitor of the worst kind. The University of Maryland should revoke his diploma and send him home with his head hanging in shame. Who would cast lots against their very own alma matter? Wait a minute... Mink didnt even attend UMD. Oh my gosh, the horror, the horror...

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you, that Mr. Mink did not even attend the University of Maryland! He went to YESHIVA UNIVERSITY! How could anyone do this to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury? Subverting the very formulaic enterprise of human nature! Pfaugh! Okay, I dont even know what that means.

Regardless, as a law student, I have to objectively evaluate what I've just written. According to tort law, defamation is actionable per se only if it imputes a criminal offense; a venereal or loathsome and communicable disease; improper conduct of a lawful business; or unchastity by a woman. While Mink may or may not have done any of these things (I certainly have my suspicions, but I cant say for sure, but I will have my PI look into these substantive allegations), he certainly can bring a cause of action against me for libel, since that is a false and malicious publication which is printed for the purpose of defamation. Perhaps Mr. Singer would like to defend Mr. Mink, considering they are both current or former law students in the tort action against yours truly!

Indeed, perhaps I shall countersue for misrepresentation, since Mr. Mink has mislead us all into believing that he graduated from UMD, since who would vehemenantly argue so strongly on behalf of college athletics for a college that one never attended? A farce, a farce I say! Please, ladies and gentlemen, join me in voicing my displeasure from the rooftops!

[Edit: Mr. Mink didnt really pay me $7.25 for any reason. I'm just responding to his constant pleadings and entreaties to post on his blog or to at least frequent it so that it looks popular. Touche`!]

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Law Professor said...

Not only were you trying to show off by using legal jargon, but you got the law 100% wrong and I give you an F+ for your efforts. Try again next time, bitch.

9:22 PM  
Blogger The Mink said...

This is actually a direct excerpt from the critics' first year tort exam....lay off the crack dude.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous the cuzin said...

Ah, haircut stories remindsme of the time I gave myself a haircut the night before prom. Didn't work out too well - I gave the back of my head a racing stripe - it looked like a shaved chicken

10:41 PM  
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8:44 AM  

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