Monday, December 19, 2005

The Barbershop Experience

By singerz

I decided to write the blog today about barbershops in order to redeem myself after my manicure post and to prove once and for all that I possess more testosterone than estrogen. And so I did some underground investigative reporting and went to get a haircut. I also went to get a haircut because I needed one. But mainly for the blog.

I enter the barbershop that I go to, one that has a very creative and appropriate name. “ALEX BARBER SHOP.” It seems that in Russian, there is no possessive ‘s’. In any event, there is security and a line to get in. I get to the barbershop and decide to begin my interview with a few of the customers.

Zev: Excuse me sir, is this your first time in Alex Barber Shop?
Angry Russian Man: (grunts) (unintelligible Russian mumbling)
Zev: Sir? Does Alex give a good haircut?
Angry Russian Man: Rasvitali Yagushki, Mina Nadricai (that’s a direct quote)

As it turns out, I don’t know Russian. And so even if his mumbling had been brilliant and articulate, I still would’ve called him angry mumbling Russian man. I decide to move on to interview number two. I approach a man, maybe in his mid-sixties, maybe not in his mid-sixties. He is completely BALD, sitting looking at some of the adult content magazines that Alex Barber Shop graciously provides for its customers.

Zev: Hello sir. I see you are bald. Why are you in a barbershop?
Bald man: I like the magazines. Alex has good magazines.
Zev: Ah yes, I agree, Rolling Stone, Sports Illustrated…
Bald man: Nah sonny, I’m talking Playboy, Penthouse..the works.
Zev: I see. And Alex does not mind that you come here just to read dirty magazines?
Bald man: Don’t worry, I wash my hands in the barbershop green liquid stuff.
Zev: That’s absolutely disgusting.
Bald man: Yes. Yes it is.

I came to the following conclusions from my time at Alex Barber Shop. A real barber shop must have the following:

-A red white and blue spinning thing outside that makes you dizzy
-A Playboy at the magazine table, but it's from 1986
-There is a shitty old TV on that gets only 2 stations
-Your barber watches the TV while he gives you a haircut
-There is a picture of the 1978 Russian soccer team on the wall
-Haircut prices have not been adjusted for inflation in 25 years
-A "haircut" means a buzz with a razor and shaving cream on your neck, no matter what you ask for

In blog news, we have a very special week. Stay tuned for a special guest blogger post, some new pictures, and Mink making fun of another dead guy.


Anonymous spy said...

I still think zev is bisexual. :)
What do you think anonymous??

1:22 AM  
Blogger Dear Lovey Heart said...

i have a question good sir, this is weird and random but there ya go. What is your full name? youdon't have to tell me your last name, i am assuming that Zev is short for something if that is not the case please inform me.
yours truly

9:39 AM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

Sure, my name is actually short for Zevidiah which means "Strong man who writes blog" in Esperanto.

10:16 AM  
Anonymous loving the cream said...

I just want to take this opportunity to talk about my two favorite haircut experiences.

1)The Wash - There is something about having your hair washed that makes you want to moan outloud. At first you feel ashamed that you're closing your eyes, but you'd be more ashamed looking at the effeminate puerto rican dude and still wanting to moan outloud.

2)The Shave - Hot shaving cream, deadly razors, hairy's just like living with minkove.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous "The Kaliri" said...

I grew up in sheapshead bay(brooklyn), all we had were russian barbers. I didn't know they came in any other nationality. Which is bizzare, cause most russians I know are either bald(as zev pointed out), or have terrible haircuts(i.e. Rocky 4.)

I just wanted to add my personal favorite benefit of being groomed by one of russia's finest. The #2 special: Cut/wash/second hand smoke. Nothing like being trimmed to the smell of a freshly lit cigarette.

My barber would light up as he finished putting on my haircut graduation gown. He smoked all throughout my haircut, and would even take lengthy brakes for multiple puffs. Ah, the good old days. Being yelled at in russian, and second hand smoking a half pack of cigarettes. It's an old russian secret.Was great for the hair and lungs...

Maybe that's why i have such a healthy hairline today?

1:32 PM  
Blogger Skayabs said...

Who is this guest blogger you are having? Is there a blog-writing contest to enter in order to win the prize of being Guest Blogger? Or is it like an American Idol for bloggers?

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zev, is it within your budget to start hiring some writers? Or if there's no money for it, you might try over at 'Will & Grace'. There always looking for more zany material!

11:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very interesting site...

2:16 PM  

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