Thursday, December 01, 2005

Subway Etiquette

By Singerz

Last night, I was waiting for the subway and trying to see down the tracks if the train was coming. (We all do this. Its fruitless, it doesnt help me to know the train is coming, but there is just something warm and comforting about seeing those two glorious headlights down the track.) Anyway, my view down the tracks was blocked by some guy leaning all the way over so no one down the platform could see past him. I cursed in my head. I was going to curse aloud, but he was a big man.

In any case, there is a judge and a jury. Also, I was inspired to write about subway etiquette. Some dos and donts that should be written in stone:

DO: Hold the pole when the train is moving and youre standing up
DON'T: Lick your hand, sneeze, wipe your child's ear wax, wipe a stranger's ear wax, and then rub and hug the pole like youre a stripper

DO: Step toward the middle of the train when other people are getting on
DON'T: Lunge your body full force and headlong into a packed train, thinking "theres always room for one more"

DO: Be nice and courteous to people when they ask you for directions
DON'T: Tell the guy asking for money that you don't believe him that his house burned down and that he should just get a freakin job

DO: Buy a newspaper from the "New York Times, fiFTY ceNTS" guy if you want to read
DON'T: Buy a single cigarette from that weird guy, no matter how bad you need a smoke

DO: Try to be clean on the subway, minimizing BO for the benifit of others
DON'T: Do your personal grooming on the subway (and that includes pluckings and shavings)

DO: Move your bag out of the way if it is hitting someone
DON'T: Scratch your nose when the big-bossomed woman is 2 inches from you (I can tell you this from personal experience and a black eye)

DO: Start a blog if you have really weird thoughts in your head
DON'T: Start a blog if you start running out of funny things to say

28 Comments:

Anonymous I love Eli Manning said...

o, zev. so many comments on your post- here are two quick ones:
1- the freudian implications of what you describe as "the warm and comforting feeling" that you get upon seeing the "two glorious headlights" coming towards you are too many for words. let me just say this- we all know what feeling you're talking about and we approve. well done, my friend; well done.
2- waiting for the train on my way to high school, i would often look out in the opposite direction of the train, just to throw people off. if the train was coming from the right and everyone was sticking their necks out looking right, i would look left. people would get confused, they would start looking left. it was great. confusing people on mundane and elementary knowledge is always hilarious.

1:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ummm...this was a terrible post. You are trying way to hard man.

1:33 AM  
Blogger SINGERZ said...

To Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous:
1) I defy you to identify yourself
2) Whats the URL again for your hilarious blog that you wrote? Oh wait, you didn't, "man"
3) This was the most harsh, sarcastic thing I have ever written

9:43 AM  
Blogger The Critics said...

I HATE ANONYMOUS! LETS LYNCH THE BASTID! DEM 1:33'S ARE ALWAYS CAUSING TRUBBLES!

Anyways, in response to the post, I always see stuff on the train tracks, and wonder how fast I could jump down there and pick something up, like a tennis ball or a glittery thingy, and then try to climb back onto the deck. I always stop myself because I realize that only the homeless people collect tennis balls and glittery thingies.

Some other things to do (or not) on the train. Do ask someone if a seat is open before plopping down with no warning. Dont sit down on a seat in the middle of two seats when the train is full. Dont sit down then give the next person standing up who is preparing to sit down a glare that says "i dare you to sit here." Finally, knees and elbows are to be kept straight at all times when standing. A knee in the crotch or an elbow in the stomach is not a fun experience at high speeds.

1:27 PM  
Blogger BP Babe said...

i hate when women file their nails and apply makeup on the train. it's worse than that time i saw some guy flossing. weirdos.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh thats nothing, i saw a guy taking a piss on the subway one day. Come on people, at least people taking care of their personal hygeine have some respect for people later in the day who have to put up looking at their grungy ass face/teeth/(insert other portion of anatomy here) and are doing it in consideration for these people. I for one am a strict believer that relieving oneself is a purely private event which should be kept to oneself, i.e. the stare straight forward doctrine widely held as a principle of western civilization since the invention of the urinal/trough.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Chaya said...

Okay, not exactly the Do and Donts on the subway but the best people to meet:

The Listening To Other People's Conversation Person, was the best. I love when they listen but pretend not to, and them when a joke is made, they luagh out loud by mistake, that's funny.

The Guy Who Sits In Front Of The Map: they love when tourist are lost, so they can talk really quick, in a really think brooklyn accent. Oh, your going to McDougal Street?? Oh sure, take the F, to the D, to the Q, to the 1, backtrack, get back uptown, downtown, then go midtown. Poor tourist. Or sometimes, I think they just sits there because the tourist/lost person always gets so into reading the map, when the train suddenly stops, he always falls forward, almost into the lap of the Map Person, so now he can recieve dirty looks

Lastly, my favorite is when I took the same train every day and meet the same person, same train, same time every day and never acknowledge their presence, after months and months.

Oh, there are so many more.

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