Sunday, November 27, 2005


By Singerz

You can’t dispute it, I am a snack expert. I may not be a great student or “pass” my classes. I might not be socially “normal.” But when it comes to snacks, I know my s***. And when I say s***, I mean shit.

And now, the 2005 SNACKS awards:

Best overall snack: No brainer. Twizzler’s Cherry Nibs. Not the ridged kind (OBVIOUSLY). Scrumptious, refreshing, and delicious snack. I defy you to name a better snack. Cherry, soft, licorice. My mouth is watering typing this.

Best cereal (has to be sugar cereal, no one in their right mind would have a non-sugar cereal as there favorite cereal. If you do, you’re too grown up and you’re gross): Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Perfect mix of cinnamon, toast, and crunch. Can eat it any time. Only problem: milk leftovers a little nasty. The milk leftovers award goes to Coca Puffs but the Toast Crunch hangs on to the overall, despite this negative milk trait.

Best Soda: Tough category since I recently made an extremely embarrassing switch to diet soda, for health reasons that only me and my doctor (Dr. Pepper) know. Not withstanding this mortifying lifestyle change to diet, the best overall soda is a two-way tie between Dr. Brown’s Cream soda and good ole Cherry Coke. I know many of you will argue for Dr. Browns Black Cherry, but I like to save cough medicine for when I have a cold (oooooh I busted you, take THAT black cherry).

Best snack not in existence anymore: Cherry and Bubb. Mike and Ike made a grave error by taking this off of the shelves. Support: You stick your hand in. You get a cherry? AMAZING. You get a Bubb? GLORIOUS. You can’t lose. It’s like a grab-bag Hanukah party except there’s no crappy picture frame gift- every present is amazing.

Worst snack (not including fake snacks, like carrot sticks or celery with peanut butter, kids who grew up with those “snacks” are traumatized): Black jelly beans. An embarrassment to an otherwise unbelievable snack, which is why they are so bad. Should be sold in their own separate bag of just black jelly beans for the weirdos who like them. I’m not a proponent of segregation, but this exception must be made. The injustice shall not stand. (What the hell am I talking about you ask? I’m just not sure.)

And finally, the weirdest unknown snack: Fried farmer’s cheese. I get my share of mockery about this one, but buttering up a pan and frying farmers cheese is one of the most delicious things G-d put on this earth. Try it. All of this is a matter of taste and opinion anyway (no its not, I’m correct about all of it).

Oh, and if you disagree about any of the above, please post, citing sources.


Anonymous Ballls said...

I disagree with everything you listed.

Best overall snack: Wheat Thins.
Can you put cheese or peanut butter on Twizzler's? Not unless you're an asshole. If chocolates are included in this category, then I might venture to say Rolo's beat Twizzler's too. Actually, Twizzler's suck. Next category. 205 U.S. 1088 (2004)

Best Cereal: Original Captain Crunch.
If you disagree, the terrorists win.

I'm ashamed of you for suggesting anything else. And for anyone who thinks Diet soda sucks... you suck. Tastes almost exactly like regular Dew, except you can drink ten times more fo it withough getting the disgusting syrup feeling in your probably large gut. I've had over 4 liters today, and feel like a million dollars. Recognize.

Best snack not in existence anymore: That fruit candy that used to come in mini plastic garbage cans.

Worst snack: Cottage Cheese & fruit cups.
Cottage cheese is not cheese. It is phlegm.

Weirdest Unknown Snack: Scrapple.
All my PA niggaz know wuz up. LoL!!! :) Anyway, it's green, shaped like a brick, and made of the pork products deemed unfit for hot dogs. When you fry it, it turns brown and flakes. When you eat it, you get the runs and an everlasting smile. Heaven.

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Janie said...

Do UMD Hillel Fries count as a snack,

11:38 PM  
Anonymous Ballls said...

my webpage was entered incorrectly earlier. Janie's got a gun.

11:53 PM  
Blogger The Mink said...

Worst Snack Food: I have to agree with ballls that cottage cheese is a disgrace and no pineapples raisins or strawberries mixed in will change that.

Worst Soda: Opening the fridge to find DIET CAFFEINE FREE PEPSI is a sure way to ruin a good day.

Best Cookie Snack: The chewy Chips Ahoy cookies (and now they have those great seals on the top to make our lives easier)

Best Fruit Snack: The old school fruit wrinkles.....Gushers are great too but they put about 4 in the whole pack and inevitably I lose one or two by accidentally popping it like a bad pimple.

1:10 AM  
Anonymous Josh Lennon said...

Singer, I've never been a huge twizzlers fan. Even within the Twizzler's family I've always been a fan of the smooth, soft, cylindrical Nibs. I feel like Twizzler's are the Parents, ridged nibs (which always get hard) are the kids, and Nibs are the cool cousins who come in to visit from time to time.

I'm going to go with Snyder's honey mustard and onion pretzels. Though you can only eat one bag before getting extremely sick, they are so addicting. Personally I could also finish a bag of Cruncher's Mesquite BBQ chips or Herr's Ketchup chips.

Cereal- Got to go with Fruity pebbles. You can fit so many on every spoon. Instant energy

Worst Soda- Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray

Best Drink- Tapuach Duvdevan Mix

Late man

10:05 AM  
Blogger Landerman said...

Best Snack no loger in existence: I'm gonna disagree with ballls on this one and go with the packaged Duncan Hines cookies. You youngsters may not remember these. but before the whole Jewish duncan hines mix craze hit, there used to be premade incredible cookies. None of the hassle of the mix with all the benefits. And the chips ahoy of today can't compare.

Nibbs. Yeah, best snack.

Snacky snacks. Giant brand BBQ corn chips. That should end this discussion.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about the totally amazing and addictive snack AKA the chocolate covered pretzel???
Nestle knew what they were doing when they created Flipz. These little guys are the best mixture of all that is good and pure - salty, cruncy, sweet and chocolately, all wrapped up in a cute bite-sized pretzel shape.
I think they are too often overlooked.

Also - the best cereal ever is clearly either Pops or Frosted Flakes - both childhood favorites...

Worst snack food ever - veggie booty. Yuck.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best Cereal is Apple Jacks (Best leftover milk)

Best snack no in existance has got to be Fruit Wrinkles, with Fruit Roll (Good and Ugly) a close second.

And maybe you could continue drinking normal soda if you didn't eat fried cheese.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Bezalel said...

Worst Snack Food:

Ants on a log. I mean, come on. The fact that there's peanut butter and raisin's on it doesn't hide the fact that it's celery. Celery is nature's abberation - nature's stillborn child. It's gross. Nobody wants it. Parents - stop feeding it to your children.

Best Diet Drink:

Diet Dr. Pepper. Tastes more like original Dr. Pepper than any other soft-drink.

Best Snack Food:

Those cheese crackers - the ones that are pretty cheesy but not too cheesy. Man, I could eat a whole box of those at once.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous jrombro said...

I have two things to disagree with on this post. Now I feel sort of guilty about making my first post on this blog in the form of a complaint, but I feel that certain wrongs must be righted. and both of these fall in the category of best soda.

First of all, bezalel correctly pointed out that diet dr. pepper tastes more like dr. pepper than any other diet soday. Well, NO F***ING WAY BEZALEL!!!! who would have guessed?? Until i read that post, I was gonna guess that diet RC was the next closest taste to Original Dr. Pepper. Nice detective work!

Seccondly, any a-hole (and i've seen two so far) that have the audacity to nominate any diet soda for recognition in this category. What has the world come to?

Lets set one thing straight....Diet Mountain Dew? i really hope that's a joke. To quote ballls: "Tastes almost exactly like regular Dew..." As if that's something to strive for. if i had to replicate the taste of horse urine, i would start with mountain dew and filter out the sugar.

Best Soda by definition can not be awarded to a diet soda. why do you ask. its simple. The title "BEST" implies quality, a step above the rest. Since no diet soda tastes good or is enjoyable, it is simply impossible to win any award in this most important category. You may argue that this is a subjective, opinion based claim. Well, you're right and wrong. it is my opinion. but its the right opinion.

Ok, now that we've agreed on that matter....i'd like to humbly offer my nomination for best all around snack. Truth is, it might be more fitting for best snack that no longer exists, although that's not entirely true. Its something that is more popular around the younger crowd, but loses popularity with age. But the beauty of this "snack" is that it never does dissapear, it just loses favor in our eyes, often to the point of disgust. That's right, i'm talking about boogers. What other delicacy offers what boogers can offer? First of all, they're free. no other snack has anything on that. Next, we never run out of them. again, no matter how good any other snack is, it does you no good if you reach into the bag and its empty. what other snack do you always have at finger's reach 24/7. third (and most exciting) is the element of surprise. you're never quite sure what type of booger you're gonna get. i agree with mink that the old school fruit wrinkles are incredible. but lets be honest, you know what you're getting with every bit of fruity goodness. boogers are more like trail-mix. is it raisny soft? is it peanutty-crunchy? or is it chocolate chip in betweeny? another added plus (as if the first three points werent enough), is that these self-manufacturing globs of yumminess are pareve. i agree with the claim that chocolate covered pretzels have a strong case (and will probably give boogers the best run for their money), but if kashrut is an issue for you, then you know that you cant always have Flipz at your disposal.

So there we have it, if you havent thrown up by now, you're probably in agreement that boogers are truly deserving of the award for best overall snack.

This message was brought to you by BOOGERS: NATURE'S SNACK. Boogers, always in season...PICK some up at a schnoz near you.

1:08 AM  
Blogger The Mink said...

I'm going to have to agree with Joe here, drinking a good diet soda is like winning the NIT in college bball. It's decent but not even close to the big dance. Also Joe according to Jewish law is one permitted to eat his own booger on Yom Kippur? If so then the nostril treat goes up in my book.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous King of The Thread said...

Best Snack - Cheeze Its, However props to snyders honey mustard and onion

Best Cereal - Cap'n Crunch, and i think the biggest advantage of cinnamon toast crunch is the leftover milk, its the best part

Best Soda - Orange Fanta (all diet sucks)

10:16 AM  
Blogger Bezalel said...

Good job to jrombo on picking up sarcasm. Oh wait, I should probably make this clear, as it seems like sarcasm is foreign to him: Both my opinion about Diet Dr. Pepper and the first sentence of this post are sarcastic. Also, you're a fool.

2:03 PM  
Anonymous jrombro said...

my apologies to bezalel, as it can sometimes be difficult to pick up on sarcasm in text form.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Cashandra Lubovitch said...

I personally am a snack expert. I have been snacking for the past 20 years, and dont plan on stopping any time soon. After much consideration and many years involved in thorough investigations of snack foods, I have to hand the gold medal over to Bissli...not smokey or BBQ but to pizza, falafel, taco and onion. How often to frum kids get to eat mexican? Altough u feel parched for many hours and must brush your teeth repeatedly and possibley swallow listerine before having any conversation- their still amazing! There is nothing like them- they are truly in a class of their own...not like a cookie but not quite like chip either.

12:12 AM  
Blogger EDS said...

I apologize, but I am enraged at your suggestion that Dr. Brown's Black Cherry is not the best soda ever. In fact it is the best liquid substance ever.

I refer you here if you don't mind:

12:56 PM  
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10:09 PM  

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